Eek!
by randomsomeone
Summary: Terrible scariness! Absolute parody! Piles of crack! Everything about badfic emerges and runs rampant! I should've put it down as horror, too.
1. How Things Work

The question may be asked: What is it that you're parodying? What are you making fun of?

The answer? Everything. I'm not even safe.

I claim inspiration from badfics everywhere. Crossovers, Sues, OOC-ness, overdone clichés... Be afraid. Be very afraid.

But now, it's time for me to shoot straight over the top.

And yes, I still don't own any characters or really anything else involved in this mess.

* * *

It seemed like any other day.

The sun was shining, the skies were blue, the birds were singing, and Uzumaki Naruto couldn't shake the feeling that something was very, very wrong.

Turning a corner, he almost ran into his arch-rival, Sasuke. The look on the other boy's face wasn't his usual bored one, or his usual arrogant one, or his other usual brooding one. This should have been the tip-off.

"Hi, Sasuke."

"Hello, Naruto."

"Man, are you ok? You look kinda... Weird."

"But I feel just fine. Perfectly, wonderfully, fine." Sasuke paused, tilted his head to the side. "Hey, Naruto..."

"Well, you don't look fine. You actually look kinda creepy."

Sasuke laughed and reached out, grabbing a fistful of Naruto's jacket. "But I feel fine." The hand on Naruto's jacket spread out, rubbed suggestively against his torso. "And you feel fine, too."

"Whoa, hey, Sasuke, what's –"

"Naruto, have you ever wondered what it would be like? To be with another man?"

The shorter boy's jaw dropped. "Huh? But, Sasuke, I'm with you now. Hell, I'm with you a lot of the time, you know?"

Sasuke moved in, close enough to touch. "Not that sort of be with."

Naruto stepped back. "What?"

Another step, then another. "You. Me. Let's work out our differences."

"You mean, you want to fight some more? Oh, ok! We can do that! Um... In this alley? You think we'll have enough room?"

Sasuke moved in again, eyes feral. "I suppose it might be close to fighting, if we decided to make it that way. You could fight me, if you wanted."

"Sasuke, what are you –"

The other's face lit up. "Greasy, sweaty, man-sex!"

"Whoa, wait! I didn't sign on for... Greasy?"

"Yeah, I brought a tube of it, just in case. See?"

"But I – No! No way! Leggoa me!"

"That's ok, too. We can have sex anyway and things will be all right in the morning."

"Whoa, what? Things don't work like that!"

Sasuke sighed from where he was struggling with the blond boy's clothing. "Of course they do. Come on! First, I say, 'Oh my god Naruto you're the guy for me!' Then, you say 'I knew it all along!' Then I say, 'Let's have hot naked sweaty man-sex!' And you say, 'Why, that's what I always dreamed of!' Then I lick your –"

"Noooo!!!"


	2. Issues Galore

It was the perfect day for insanity, and that's why he was there. Humming Leatherstrip's Sex Dwarf under his breath, Gaara meandered down the streets of Konoha in search of –

"Whoa, whoa. Wait. What the hell kind of song did you pick out for me this time?"

It's Leatherstrip. Tech-industrial oddness. I figured it would fit.

"But... _Sex Dwarf?_ What kind of story are you creating here?"

It'll work its way out later, I promise.

"Wha... How... No. I don't want to know. And what the hell kind of weak introduction was that? As the undoubtedly most badass character in here, I demand an appropriately badass intro."

Think highly of yourself much?

"Well, it's obvious that I am the Naruto world's answer to DBZ's Vegeta. Just more insane."

I'd say more like Don Quixote on the glamorization of insanity deal, only more evil. I'm not one hundred percent up on DBZ, but I'm pretty sure Vegeta doesn't have the mother issues like you do.

"I do not have mother issues!"

Oh, come on. Otherwise, for someone your age, you are more than unhealthily obsessed with boobies.

Gaara gritted his teeth, grumbled. "I am not."

Suuure. Twelve year olds shouldn't –

"Wait, I'm twelve in this one? Damn it!"

Well, for the moment. Something against it?

"You have me keep getting younger and younger... You're dirty, you know that?"

Shush. It's not like I was gonna have you do anything like... Wait. Uhoh.

"Pervert."

Shut up.

_Poof._

There. Twenty-five. Are you ha- Wow.

"Wow. Hey, I filled out!"

Bad idea! Bad idea!

"See if Kankuro calls me shrimpy behind my back anymore!" He let out a rabid cackle. "I'm gonna go kick his ass right now!"

Damn it, hold still!

_Poof!_

He stopped patting himself off, demented grin falling from his face as he looked up. "But I liked that one!"

Give it a few years, buddy. For now you're stuck with pretty much everyone else, at fifteen.

"Turn me back! Turn me back now!"

No.

"I'll tell everyone what you're up to!"

No one will believe you. No one else can see me.

He snarled. "Turn me back, or..."

Or what? You can't kill me. I'm the narrator.


	3. Thicker than Water

Hinata was reflecting on how empty the streets were, trying to figure out why everyone was hiding in their homes, when she heard the step behind her.

"Neji?"

"Hello, Hinata."

"Hey, Neji, do you know why everyone's... Hey, what are you doing?"

Neji's hands cupped her cheeks, tilted Hinata's face up, his expression intent. "I'm seeing something."

"What?"

"You know you stopped stuttering?"

'O-oh. S-sorry."

The skin between Neji's eyes wrinkled as he examined her face. "Your eyes..."

"W-what ab-about m-my e-ey-eyes?"

"You can cut the stutter stuff out anytime, you know."

She sighed with relief. "Ok. I was getting tired of it, you know?"

"Me too."

"Anyway, what about my eyes?"

"They're round, kind of."

She coughed. "And you're supposed to be a genius..."

"No. They're round, but more oval."

"Your point is?"

His hands tracked away from her cheeks. "I guess an orb could technically be an eye. But eyes are more oval. And orbs aren't. Orbs are supposed to be more round. So if I was staring at your orbs, in all likelihood I'd be watching –"

"Hey! Get your hands off of those!"

"But Hinata, I love you!"

"Whoa! What? Wait! You can't do that! I'm your cousin!"

"Blood is thicker than water!"

"But our fathers were identical twins! We have so much genetic material in common that it's not even funny!"

"Then we definitely have something in common! That's great!"

"But! But!"

"Let's get married, Hinata!"

She fought down the nosebleed, fought to keep from screeching and taking off, fought away the happily seeking hands. "We can't!"

"Why not? You're cute. I'm gorgeous. We'd make beautiful children."

"Neji, think about this!"

"I am. Our bloodline would be back to one! I wouldn't be a branch family member anymore! I'm strong, you're... Well, you're you. But our beautiful children would be ridiculously strong!"

"We're related, Neji! Our children would end up being..." Swiftly, she thought of the most horrible possibility she could. "Rock Lee!"

Neji's arms dropped from around her. "Whoa," he breathed.

Hinata's lips pulled back from her teeth and shoulders hunched, hands curling into claws that she waved around in the air, wobbling from one foot to the other like a motorized doll. "Chibi Rock Lees. Ten of them. Crying and whining and pooping and barfing and crawling up your leg and calling you Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, _Daddy, **Daddy!!**_"

The other Hyuuga's face fell. "I never thought of that."


	4. EitherOr

His stride was careful, measured, at odds to his nature, drumming fingers against his own thigh along with Monster Magnet's Power Trip. Trouble didn't have to come to Konoha. He was already there. Now all that Gaara needed was someone to vent all of his frustrations upon. And the number of his frustrations was unbelievable, with the top of the list undoubtedly being that he was more than ten years overdue for a good nap.

"What?!"

I found you a better song?

"But the rest of it! You made a joke out of me!"

But it's a parody.

"It doesn't matter. I have my dignity, you know!"

Not for long, if I can help it.

"And what is it with the obscure musical references?"

I said they were only suggestions. Sheesh.

"Can't you just cut the songs out next time?"

No.

"Why not?"

Because I said so.

"Fine then. Fix things. Again. But do it right this time, or I'll put myself to sleep and end this entire mess right here and now."

Not a good enough threat. Keep it up and I'll have you run around sprinkling fairy dust on people, raccoon boy.

"You... You..." He swallowed hard, anger turning his face an unpleasant shade of red. "Damn it, it's a -"

Panda!

"No!"

...Badger?

"_Not that, either."_

Can I just break out the 'Cute and Fluffy!' sign now?

"I'll kill you."

But –

"I'll find a way."

Well, if you're going to be like that about it... I still swear I got the odd fansub that said raccoon. And you still look like a raccoon to me.

"That's because a tanuki _looks like_ a raccoon," he muttered.

Or maybe, with the eyeliner, a punky sort of male Britney Spears wannabe. Now _there's_ one for your boobies fixation.

"I don't have a - It's not eyeliner! It's because I can't sleep! _Can't_ sleep! Didn't you actually read the manga?"

Say it.

"No."

Just once. Say it.

"Never."

I'll write you an awesome intro. I'll even let you look it over first.

"If you put it that way..." He sighed. "Can't sleep. Tanuki'll eat me."

See, that wasn't so bad.

"This had better be the best introduction ever."

Eh, sure, whatever. And as for the reading manga, yeah, I did. My scanslation said badger.

"Get past that. He's _not._"

It's not me you need to worry about. Mass confusion has already ensued. Hey, gritting your teeth like that can't be healthy.

"I don't care."

Sure. But on the manga topic, I saw where you don't have any eyebrows either. Care to explain that?

"No."

Is it a painful story?

"I don't want to talk about it."

Is that really why you wanted to kill Lee?

"I _said,_ I don't want to talk about it."

But -

"Keep it up, and I'll see to it that you start talking about me in your sleep. And I doubt your boyfriend would like that."

You should like him. When I started writing, he's the one that got unduly upset when he found out that other authors had you consistently making other males your bitch. He's also the one that told me that if I had you do anything with another guy then he'd kill me. I think he's impressed with your character.

"At least one of you is," he grumbled.

Irreverent and not impressed are two different things. But I can't take myself seriously all the time.

"I really hate you."

Give me a little while. It'll either get much better, or much, much worse.


	5. Seen it Coming

Paying attention to the sun on her face, the birdsong around her, Ino barely had time to notice the rolling, cursing pair of males before they ran into her shins.

"Naruto? What are you doing, wrestling with Sasuke in the middle of the street? Get off of him!"

"I'm not wrestling! I'm trying to get away!"

_Bonk!_

Ino glared, retracted her fist from where it had connected with the back of Naruto's head. "You idiot! You got Sasuke all dirty! And... Filthy! And... sweaty... and..."

Sasuke pulled his heels in, lifted his hips, and rolled Naruto over. The blond yelled, wrenched at dark hair. "Ino, help!"

"And you pissed him off so much he's gonna try to bite your neck! Naruto, don't you ever-"The girl blinked. "Whoa."

"Ino! He's getting _slobber_ on me!"

"Sasuke!"

The Uchiha looked up from Naruto's wriggling, grinning wildly. "Yes?"

"Does this mean... That you don't like girls?"

"Come on, Ino. Wasn't it obvious?"

She thought about it for a moment, as the pair tussled and screeched at her feet. _Well, he always was really distant towards females. And he did kiss Naruto that one time in class, even if it was an accident. And he's only decent towards Sakura when they're on missions, and that's usually only because he's doing the entire teamwork thing, and..._

A sigh. "Guess I should have seen it coming, Sasuke."

He looked up again, this time from beneath Naruto, the fabric of the other's clothing ripping as he struggled. "Yeah, you should have."

"Ino, _help me!_"

The flex of their muscles together, the gripping hands, their small sounds of strain that came with their squirming was... Intriguing.

"Well, Naruto, I guess... You could... Bite him back."

"What!"

"But give it a second, ok? And don't go anywhere. I need to go get my camera."

Already plotting the website's layout, Ino bounded down the street.

With a superhuman effort, Naruto wrenched himself free, leaped, and landed a few yards away. Sasuke lazily climbed to his feet, faced the other boy's crouch. "Going so soon?"

"I... You... Oh my god!"

"It'll be fun, Naruto."

"What part of not willing do you not get!"

"The 'not' part."

"But... But... There's got to be someone around here that would actually want to! And..." Naruto bit his tongue, unable to believe that he was actually going to say it. "Wouldn't that be that much more fun for you? _Consensual_ greasy naked man-sex?"

Sasuke brought a hand to his chin, considered. "Now that you say it, if the person was willing then it would be that much easier to talk them into that thing with the–"

Naruto covered his ears with a howl. "Don't say it!"


	6. Help

Something was up.

Ino had blown right past Sakura without so much as a mutter about foreheads, the grin on her face and light in her eyes downright disturbing.

_She's planning something. She has to be planning something. She doesn't get that happy unless something awful is about to happen._

Naruto skidded around a corner in front of her, glanced back in the direction from which he'd come, then flew down the street. Startled, she took in his ripped jacket, dirt-covered face, and the mark on his neck that looked suspiciously like a-

"Sakura! I'm so glad I found you!"

_Hickey?_

"Naruto?

The shorter boy lunged into her arms. "Oh my god, Sakura, it was horrible!"

"Naruto, what's going on?"

"Sasuke's gone insane! He wanted to-"

"He's going to try to go to Orochimaru again?"

"No, he tried to –"

"He tried to kill you again? I told him to stop that! We can't be a functional team if you two keep trying to beat each other's brains in!"

"No! He just came out!"

"It's awfully late in the afternoon for him to be getting up now! Are you sure he's not sick?"

"He_ is_ sick! He dragged me into an alley and –"

She tried to squirm free. "Naruto! If he puked on you I don't want you touching me!"

"He tried to screw me!"

Inner Sakura collapsed into a silent pile of random lines. "What?!"

"Sasuke's gay and tried to molest me in the street and Ino just went to get her camera and I think she thought it was great!" Sagging, Naruto pressed his face against her chest.

_Sasuke? Gay? _

_Somebody up there hates me,_ Sakura thought.

"Naruto, are you sure?"

"He brought lube."

She cringed.

The arms around her loosened, moved experimentally. "Sakura, I have a problem."

"Yeah?"

"Do you think you could help me figure something out?"

"Well, I guess so. What kind of problem is it?"

The head buried in her cleavage shook slightly. "Well, it's kind of difficult to say."

_Teamwork,_ she thought. _We're each here for the others. _ "Tell me, Naruto."

"Sasuke... Kind of made me question myself. I'm... Not so sure now about things. I need to know if I still like girls."

"Huh?"

"Will you help me figure things out?"

_Something's... _Her voice was hesitant. "How so?"

She barely caught his voice, muffled as it was by her front. "So I know that I'm not gay and I don't like Sasuke I need you to have sex with me."

"**_What?!_"**

_Thunk!_

_Crash!_

Sakura spun and marched away, wiping his drool off of her chest, leaving Naruto twitching in the dirt behind her.


	7. Getting Medieval

Naruto had made sense. And now, Sasuke was on the prowl.

Someone willing. Someone that would be rough-and-tumble enough to be able to handle him. Someone with an awesome ass would be great, too, but he wasn't feeling picky.

Someone like...

"Hey, Sasuke. You look like you're looking for something."

"Hello, Kiba. And I was, but not anymore."

Akamaru sniffed the air, whined.

"Hey, Akamaru says that you smell funny."

"How about you smell me and tell me if I do or not?"

"Um, ok." Kiba leaned in cautiously, sniffed. "Well, you smell like... You."

Sasuke chuckled, watching the other boy's face. "You don't smell too bad yourself, for someone that spends that much time around his dog."

"Hey, I love Akamaru!"

Akamaru yipped agreement.

"That's wonderful," Sasuke purred. "Now."

"Now, what?"

"You. Me. Monkey-sex."

"But... Do we even _have_ monkeys in Konoha, Sasuke?"

"No, I mean between us."

Kiba blinked. "You mean..."

"Yeah. Let's go."

"But... Wait. Exactly what is monkey-sex, anyway?"

"It's kind of like carnival sex, only more animalistic."

"What's a carnival?"

"It's kind of like a fair, only with these weird guys called Carnies that'll follow you around and take pictures of you and... Never mind. Anyway. How about it?"

"About you... And me... And sex."

"Yeah."

"I think it's time for Akamaru's flea bath. And mine. I've got a crazy case of them, you might want to stay over there."

Akamaru barked protest, was shushed. Kiba backed up a step. "Did you know that fleas were what spread the black plague? They did. I might be carrying it. I need to quarantine myself, _now._"

Confused, Sasuke watched the Inuzuka bolt, followed closely by his canine companion.

"Too bad Haku's not around anymore," he muttered.


	8. Studious at All the Wrong Times

Gaara huffed. "That one won't work either."

You're too picky.

"You're just too difficult."

Dieselboy's Hostile fits you perfectly, though. It's smooth, it's brooding, it's evil –

"You used it in the last story."

Eh. It could be Type O Negative?

"If you really wanted to send everyone into hormonal rampages, even though that seems to be your habit."

It's one of those write what you know deals. Needless to say, I'm pretty good at hormonal insanity. As previously stated, Freud is my Daddy.

"So you claim deeper insight into what everyone is up to here?"

Well, maybe. Every once in a while. I don't think Sasuke really has that much of a canon chance of being as sexually driven as he is at the moment, but in all likelihood he'd be a sexual deviant in one fashion or the other.

"Didn't you major in English?"

Well, yeah.

"Why don't you stick to English?"

I like psych.

"You're giving me a headache." Gaara glared from behind the hand that covered his forehead, fingers gripping.

Try not to drool this time, it's unsightly.

"Stop talking. Now."

But I haven't gotten to you yet. You've got the mindset for sadism, at least if you get past the blood for the sake of blood thing.

"Mindset?" He perked. Hands moved away from his head as he looked up. "How so?"

I got into a discussion with Vanya at one point about how BDSM is a mindset thing, how I think that to be the proper sadist, you need to be a somewhat angry individual that can truly believe that the person or persons being abused deserve whatever you do to them, and to be the proper masochist you have to believe that you deserve whatever's being done.

"Uh-huh."

So if you kicked into the mentality of blood for the sake of sex, then... Hey, why am I telling you this?

"Uh-huh."

Hey! Stop taking notes!


	9. Wakeup Call

_I really didn't think I had that much last night,_ Kakashi thought, squinting at the unwelcome beam of sunlight that had managed to wake him. His head was still splitting, and he didn't remember getting home. And it was awfully warm under that blanket.

_Maybe a shower will help..._

When he tried to crawl out of bed, though, he noticed two things. First, he was naked. Second, he was being held back by an arm wrapped very securely around his middle.

_Uhoh._

Looking down at the arm gave him another reason to worry. It obviously didn't belong to a female. He shifted experimentally against the form holding him. Definitely male. Definitely naked.

He looked down again. _And why am I covered in chocolate syrup? _

_Oh, no._

_I didn't._

_I have to find out. I have to find out._

Carefully, he peered over his shoulder.

"Good morning, beautiful," smiled Iruka.

"Hello, yourself," Kakashi replied carefully.

Iruka snuggled against him. "Last night... Was wonderful."

_Shit!_

"Um, yeah, it was," he agreed. _And maybe it was... But I can't remember!_

"You didn't take the mask off the entire time, though."

_Oh no. Even if I did, that was rude! _"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It was kinda... " A finger traced over his shoulder. "Kinky."

"Um, I have to get up. I have some students out there I have to find and..." He trailed off.

"All right." The glow on the younger man's face brightened. "I love you, too."

_Breathe._

"Huh?"

"Last night. You told me you loved me. Remember? When we were on the dresser?"

_Dresser love what **no!**_

But as Iruka kept talking, it just kept getting worse.

"I'm sorry I didn't say anything back at the moment, but you know, my mouth was kind of otherwise occupied..."

_Breathe. Breathe, damn you!_

"It's... All right." _It'd be rude. It'd be awful._ "I... Erm, I love you too."

Sliding out of bed, Kakashi decided that he needed a very long shower before he could even think about getting going. And even more time before he could think about what had obviously happened the night before.

_I'm never going to drink again._

Once he was safely gone, Iruka sat up, grinned in the direction of the closet door. "I think that worked out perfectly, Gai!"

Konoha's Beautiful Green Beast bounded out of the closet, laughing so hard that he immediately collapsed, tears rolling down his face. "One more victory against my eternal rival!"

Iruka grinned. "And one for me, for his humiliating me before Naruto's first chuunin exam!"

"Looks like there was a use for the ruffies we took from Sasuke after all, huh?"


	10. Gross Negligence

Gaara followed his poke with a glare. "What's that?"

You see, I got this idea. I could try out making a vampire fic.

"Aren't those overdone as it is?"

Well, yeah. But I haven't tried it yet.

"Is this supposed to involve me?"

Well, by nature, a vampire fic involves blood, pain, death, and in all likelihood some abject sensuality. We both know I tend to hypersensualize your character as it is, so why not?

"Doesn't sound but so bad. We'll see. But who's that?"

Deacon Frost. I borrowed him from the Blade pages. I figured you and he would get along fine.

"He's funny-looking."

You're funny-looking.

"He doesn't look happy at all." Gaara tilted his head to the side, expression quizzical, then jumped. "Whoa! He's catching on fire!"

Shit! It's daylight out! I forgot!

"I don't want to be in a vampire fic anymore!"


	11. Assumptives

Kiba bolted the door to his house behind him, collapsed against it. At his side, Akamaru panted, then yipped.

"Yeah, Akamaru, that sure _was_ scary!"

Akamaru panted some more.

"Yeah, buddy. I'll get us something to drink."

A bowl of water was enough for Akamaru. Kiba, however, stood in front of the fridge, trying to figure out what he wanted.

His mom brushed past him into the kitchen. "It's before noon, honey. Nothing alcoholic."

"Alcoholic?"

"Yeah. I know how you are."

"What?"

"You and the bottle. I wanted you to know that I knew."

"But I've never had a drink of anything stronger than orange juice!"

"Orange juice mixed with what, dear?"

Kiba stuttered, stammered, unbelievably flustered. His mother apparently took that as an admission of guilt. "It's ok. I talked to your friends, and they agree with me that –"

"You talked to my friends? And they what?"

"Yes, your friends think you should seek help. So tonight you're going to go to AA."

"AA?" he squeaked. "Mom! I'm not even sixteen! I've never had a drink in my life! What are you talking about?"

"Well, people apparently think you're an alcoholic for a _reason._ So let's just get the issue out in the open."

"But I don't have an issue! There's no problem!"

She smiled at him understandingly. "It's ok. Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery."


	12. Electra Complex

Thoroughly disturbed by the morning's events, Sakura trudged along the street, head down and fingers hooked behind her back. Not looking, she accidentally clipped another figure whose posture and gaze matched her own.

"Oh, I'm sorry – Kakashi-sensei?"

"Sakura! Erm... Good morning?"

Suddenly angry, she remembered how he didn't show up for the team's meeting that morning. Again. Right before everything went all to hell. "It's not morning anymore! Where were you?"

"I'm sorry, Sakura. You see, apparently..."

_I'll have heard this one before,_ she thought.

"...I slipped and fell and had chocolate-syrupy sex with Iruka."

"Lia- **_What?!_**"

Kakashi stretched sheepishly. "I think I had a few too many last night."

"You... You..." _Both of them! Sasuke and Kakashi! Two of a kind!_

_At least he's not trying the line Naruto used..._

"Sakura?"

"Yes, Kakashi-sensei?"

"I have a problem."

The recently resurrected Inner Sakura tried to rip out her own hair. "What's that, Kakashi-sensei?"

"I need to know if I still like women. And since you have turned into a lovely young woman –"

"Kakashi-sensei! I'm fifteen!"

"That's all right. You see, since you're a lovely young woman, and I'm an older, wiser, more experienced man that is apparently irresistible to either gender, I was thinking that we could –"

"You're _old!_"

"Age ain't nothing but a number, baby."

"Nooo!" Outer Sakura mimicked Inner Sakura, giving pink hair a healthy yank.

"But we could have a wonderful life together afterwards!"

"No we couldn't! You'd be a wrinkly old pervert and I'd still be young and I'd have to sit through spoon-feeding you and old-man diapers and eventually I'd get so fed up and so frustrated that I'd end up doing something asinine and horrific in order to feel my age again like having sex with _Naruto!_"  
  
Both of Sakura's hands clamped over her mouth as her eyes bugged. _I said that!!_

Kakashi scratched his head. "Well, if you put it that way, maybe a long-term relationship wouldn't work out well."

She straightened, tried to smooth her features to calmness. "No. It wouldn't."

"But we can still have sex."

So much for smoothing. "No!"

"But I'm your teacher, you're my student. The attraction should be there. It says so here, in this book..."

"That's a perverted book! And you're a pervert! And... And... I've got to go! Now!"

Attention engrossed by the pages of his suddenly re-discovered novel, Kakashi didn't notice the overly distraught girl rushing away.


	13. Look Out!

"You still working on my intro?"

Yeah. But you should like this one. Hey, what do you have?

Gaara ruffled the sheaf of paper in his hand. "Printouts."

May I?

"Sure, here."

Whoooa. You shouldn't be reading that, you're too young!

"Gimme those!" He snatched the paper back, retreated. "I am so old enough."

It's not healthy to be a porn addict at fifteen.

"But you –"

Don't say it!

"Uh-huh." His eyes narrowed, considering. "I really had an ulterior motive for bringing these, before we got started on your personal history. I was reading around and realized how easy it is to put a general age and sexual experience level on the authors by reading what kind of sex scenes they write. I mean, look at this one. That's standard, damn near by the book romance-novel type stuff. Hey, **_you_** know. Honestly, how much of this actually works that way?"

Not too much, actually. Wait, what do you mean, I know? You think I'm some kind of expert or -

"What are they thinking? Flat-out rape and sexual assault as sexy, come on!"

The psychological implications are mind-boggling, yes. But –

"And you know you've got to watch it when terms like 'going out' start getting thrown around. And the patterns!" Papers flew everywhere, were shot through with sand shuriken. "So many of these lemons are damn near identical!"

You've been doing your research?

"Well, yeah. I've got to do _something_ to kill time late at night. But seriously. Look at this one. The euphemisms used, and the descriptions... The person writing it couldn't have been in their teens yet. They've probably never kissed another person let alone done anything to this degree." He flipped a page over. "This one, though. Starring yours truly, at that. No euphemisms, but it says enough."

Hey, that's mine.

"No, I printed it! Go get your own." He swatted with one hand dismissively as he leaned in the other direction, still reading, before giving an evil cackle. "Yeah, you can tell by reading this one that the author's definitely been around the block a few times..."

You are so dead.

"What? All I said was- Oh. You meant that it was... Yours."

I dislike you. A lot.

"Hey! It's not my fault that you had to go and start writing me into sex scenes!"

If you had the choice, you would have done them anyway.

"That's besides the- Even if you do write– Whoa! What the hell is that!"

Oh no! She's loose!

"What?"

Look out, she might try to hit you!

"That's stupid. I can't get hit. Sand shields, remember? Automatic defense? As in I can't control it, as in I can't hurt myself even if I try? As in it takes someone moving dementedly fast or throwing something like chidori at me to even hope to connect?"

_**Thwap!**_

"It fucking hit me! What the hell is this thing!"

It's a Mary Sue.

"You didn't. You so didn't." Disbelief shifted into cold hate. "I'm gonna kill it."

No! You don't know what it cost to create her!

"Only your pride."

And a decent chunk of my immortal soul.

"Is this thing really supposed to be you?"

Good god, no. She's a conglomerate from various sources. But that's beside the point. She's not for you, so it's ok. Here, stop glaring and read this over.

"Only if I can kill it."

Later. I promise. In the meantime, try to look like you're in awe of her or something.

"Never."

Well, fine. At least approve this copy.

"What if I don't want..." Pages shuffled. "Hmm. What kind of awful soundtrack are you tacking onto this one?"

One King Down's Absolve.

"Uh-huh."

Well? Look up to par?

"Actually, it looks like... Fun."

Stop grinning like that, you're scaring the kiddies.


	14. Redirect

Leaning against the bridge's railing, Sakura looked up at the perfectly beautiful blue sky and decided that the day couldn't get any worse.

But she was wrong.

"Hello."

Blinking in the direction of the voice, she saw a tall, dark-clothed figure. Their features, though half-obscured by their collar, were too familiar to belong to anyone else outside of that family.

"Uchiha Itachi."

A hiss. "Yes."

"Killer Itachi."

"Yes."

"Wiped out the Uchiha clan for shits and giggles, Itachi."

"I've never heard it put quite that way, but yes."

_This is the guy that took down our jounins like nothing... _She tried not to shake. "I know that Sasuke went out of his mind this morning. Are you here to finish him off?"

"Out of his mind? How so?"

Sakura blinked.

"Tell me."

"You really don't want to know."

"Fine. I'll find out once I'm done with you."

She gulped. "Done with me?"

"Yes. I came here for you." 

_This can't be good! _"Why?"

"I've always... secretly... wanted to know..." Itachi's hands came together like Hinata's, folding, steepling, fidgeting. "Would you like to go out for lunch?"

"Lunch?" she squeaked.

"Yeah. You know."

"But... You're evil. Not I-can-put-a-finger-on-the-reasons evil. Not misunderstood-needs-a-nap-and-a-hug-and-a-new-childhood Gaara evil. Flat-out evil."

"That's the problem. You see, my being evil has done all sorts of awful things to my social life. I can't say I've ever dated, and that makes me sad."

Itachi tried to put on an appropriately sad face, but only succeeded in looking... more evil.

"You can't be serious."

"Why not? Even evil people need love. Why do you think Orochimaru keeps Kabuto around?"

She groaned, covered her eyes with her hand. "I don't want to even think about that one."

"It's true. I saw pictures." He reached into a pocket, fished around. "I actually stole a few for blackmail material, if you want to see..."

"No!" The hand over her eyes clamped down, the other waved frantically in the air in front of her.

Itachi shrugged. "But anyway, how about it? A nice, quiet lunch."

_He may not look **quite** like his brother, but hey?_ She glanced back cautiously. "Quiet lunch? That's it?" _Better than the propositions from earlier!_

"Well, we go out, have a few drinks, see where things take us..." He reached out for her arm with an appropriately wicked grin.

"Whoa! I'm gonna take _myself _somewhere... Away! Now!"_ Back away slowly. Back away slowly. Ok, just walk away slowly. _

The eldest Uchiha looked suitably, evilly crushed. "Don't do that! Who will I be able to convince to go out with me?"

Sakura called back to him over her shoulder right before she bolted. "Try your crazy brother! He's carrying lube around, that'll make things easier!"


	15. Headed for Hollywood

She looked in the alley. Nothing.

In the street. Still nothing.

She even peeked in the windows of both Sasuke's and Naruto's apartments. Still no sign of them.

"Damn it!" Ino swore and stamped her foot. The still camera, video camera, and small spotlight hung around her neck jangled together with the movement, the pole for the boom digging into her shoulder, the tripod in her hand making her fingers ache.

It looked like the website would have to wait.

As she stomped back to her place, she ran into Chouji.

"Hey, Ino. Making a movie?"

"If the subjects didn't disappear," she grumbled.

"Ah. That's too bad." The chubby boy crunched away happily at something from a crinkled foil bag.

As Ino pondered how heavy her equipment was, Chouji gave her a brilliant idea. "You know, I always wanted to make movies, too."

She blinked.

_Well, it'd be someone to help carry stuff. And if he gets antsy about the subject matter... Well, I've beaten him and Shikamaru into proper subservience before._

"Chouji, I might just have the job for you."


	16. Be Afraid

Konoha's taijutsu specialist, Rock Lee, posed proudly in front of the heavy bag he was fully prepared to destroy. It was time for his sixteenth workout of the day, and he intended to make this one the best. He was so intent on his plans that he didn't notice the shadow that slipped in to take a seat along one of the walls.

"It's a gym," Gaara whispered. "Like a high school? What are you thinking?"

Shush. Watch and wait.

"This had better not count as my intro."

Of course not.

* * *

The girl that seductively bounced up to Lee was his height, with purple-streaked red hair and bright blue-green eyes with a hint of purpley red. Her lithe body was athletic, yet still obviously feminine, with an overstacked chest and little round rear shown off almost to the degree of Christina Aguilera, but not quite, because she's scuzzy.

* * *

"That's so blatantly over the top it's unreal," Gaara muttered.

It's a Mary Sue. What do you want?

"You know what I want." He snorted softly, smirked. "It's still funny how you refuse to use the standard vocabulary to describe things, though."

It's habit.

* * *

The mysterious yet exotically wonderful girl got up in Lee's face and giggled. "Hello! My name's Fujiwara-chan! I'm Naruto's lost sister, Sasuke's cousin, Neji's ex-girlfriend, and I'm scared to death of Shino and this is my first day as a freshman genin and I want to test my abilities by fighting you!"

Lee blinked, the overload of information taking a minute to process. "Um... What?"

With another giggle, Fujiwara-chan kicked Lee square in the crotch.

Staggering to his feet, Lee had time to give her a bewildered look before she did it again.

When he got up and finally got in a fighting stance, she beat the poop out of him.

"Hah!" said Lee. "I can open Gates! Now you can't get me!"

"Hah!" she said in return. "I can open more!"

"I can open five! See!" And just because he could, Lee did.

"I can open nine!" Forgetting what anime she was in, Fujiwara-chan went Super.

Lee blinked, massive eyebrows twitching furiously. "But there's only eight."

Fujiwara-chan struck a pose she'd picked up from the Matrix, dropping low enough to almost touch the floor. "Then hah! I can open eight!"

"But if you open eight, you die!"

"Oh." She gracefully rose to her feet and thought about it for a second, putting the tip of one perfectly manicured finger to her perfect berry-red mouth, careful not to smear her perfectly done makeup. "Then I... uh..."

* * *

Damn it! He found her weakness! Logic!

"Does she even know why low stances are ridiculous?" Gaara asked, then resumed chewing away at something.

Because you have to get out of them to properly defend or attack again, and unless you have an absolute defense or two it'll take time in a fight that you really don't have? Probably not. Hey, what's that?

"Peanut brittle."

There's a concession stand?

"No." He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, stood. "Way to go! Kill it!"

I thought you said that _you_ wanted to kill her.

"Who said I was cheering for Lee?"

* * *

Fujiwara-chan flexed impressive girl-muscles, pointed threateningly at her round-eyed opponent. "I'll just beat you up!" And no matter how hard Lee tried, or how fast he moved, she did.

"Now come on," Gaara grumped. "I know you can write better fight scenes than this."

And Fujiwara-chan did some amazing flips and handsprings, then continued her abuse of poor Lee.

"Ok, that's enough. This is too painful to watch."

Here, use this.

"A tennis racket?" He sighed. "If you insist..."

Fujiwara-chan gave Gaara her best, cutest, most mysterious and most sexily seductive grin as he approached. "Hello! My name's Fujiwara-chan, and I've heard all about you! I was wondering, since I'm Naruto's lost sister, Sasuke's cousin, Neji's ex-girlfriend, and I'm scared to death of Shino and this is my first day as a freshman genin, could you help me lose my virginity?"

"**_The fuck!_**"

Sand flew. Blood sprayed. Fujiwara-chan did her best to make a mysteriously, sexily seductive splatter before unraveling into a bundle of strange gender role preconceptions and unfulfilled fantasies.

"You are a sick, sick somebody," Gaara sighed.

"Oh my god!" Lee gasped. "You saved my life!" His different-sized pupils and wobbling stance said that he in all likelihood had a concussion.

"Don't hold it against me."

"But you did! Hey, what's that you're eating?"

"Peanut brittle. Here, have some." 

"There's a concession stand?"

"No, just figured I could use it. Sugar, protein. Someone gave me the impression that I'll need the energy later on."

"Oh." Lee looked away, blinked confusedly, then looked back. "So you're here to fight me too?"

"Nope."

"To play tennis?"

Gaara spared the unused racket in his hand a glance. "Eh, no."

"Not any good at it? I could give you a few lessons, if you want. We could dress up in our tennis outfits and have a nice sweaty game or two, I might even let you win once, then we could go back, hit the showers together -"

Gaara gave the racket another look before bringing it down over Lee's head and stalking out, muttering to himself.

Doubly concussed, Lee called after him. "In a friendly, manly sort of way! What's wrong with that?"


	17. Innocente

Out of breath after running away from Itachi, Sakura came to a panting stop outside of a big, gray building she didn't remember seeing before. She stretched, hands behind her head, to try to relieve a cramp in her side.

"Can this day get _any_ worse," she moaned.

"Saaaakuraaaa," came the drawn-out whine.

"Huh?"

Lee staggered out of the doorway, bruised, bleeding, and carrying a broken tennis racket. When she reflected on it, she realized that there weren't supposed to be those little colorful bubbles floating around his head.

"Oh, no," she groaned to herself.

"Sakura," Lee said, advancing towards her on wobbly legs. "I'm hurt! The bloom of my youth has been wounded!"

Sakura didn't need to think twice to determine that she wanted nothing to do with seeing, touching, repairing, or taking Lee's 'flower.' "No! I don't care, no!"

"But I need your love to heal me!"

"_I will **not** have sex with you!"_ she yelled in Lee's face – then turned to find that she still had the stamina to run, after all.

Lee blinked, even more confused than the concussions could account for. "Sex? What's that?"


	18. Absolve aka Proper

For a moment, it was enough to be still, to feel the breeze, to consider the inherent wrongness of the place. But the insanity that had leaked out and infected the others drew him in, a destructive moth to the flame.

A monster? Perhaps.

A human? Just as likely.

He needed the sensations, to touch, to smell. To taste the blood of his enemies, his victims, as the screams rang short, leaving him that much closer to alive, but that much more alone.

Back straight, head down, Gaara folded his arms and smirked at himself. In ten seconds, every living thing in Konoha would know of his presence.

And tremble.

Anticipation made his mouth water.

The world would shatter around him, but the price would be gladly paid.

The panting behind him drew his attention, his nose catching the acrid scent of fear as the running form collapsed into the dust. He turned, lips pulling back from teeth and nostrils flaring, hands flexing with the need to grip onto another's flesh, to dig fingers in with all the force of his emotions until they screamed, knowing pain as intimately as he did.

He didn't have to go looking. She had come to him.

As she tried to struggle to her feet, he took in the skinned knees, the huge green eyes, the pink hair.

"Why, _hello there_," he purred.


	19. Hybrid

After more than a few moments of trying to make sure that the figure at his door really _was_ Shino, Kiba pulled the kitchen table, two chairs, and the fridge out of the way to let him in.

"Man, am I glad to see you. Something's majorly wrong. Uchiha Sasuke tried to convince me to have sex with him, and then I come home to find out that apparently everyone thinks I'm an alcoholic!"

"You're not?"

Kiba snarled.

Shino shrugged. "Anyway. Sasuke tried to get you to sleep with him?"

"Yeah, but I think I scared him off. Something about fleas and the black plague."

"Machiavelli did say, 'It is much safer to be feared than to be loved if one of the two has to be lacking.'"

"Since when did you quote Machiavelli?"

"Dunno. Hey, do you have a mirror somewhere?"

"In the bathroom, sure. Why?"

"I've got a zit."

"I don't see a zit..."

"It's behind the collar."

"Oh, ok. Right over here." As they walked, he continued. "Hey, Shino, did you ever hear that story about the person that had a zit on their face, and they didn't want to touch it so they left it and left it and eventually it burst and it was really a spider's nest?"

Shino paused in front of the mirror, hands half-raised. "Maybe I shouldn't pick it, then."

"It was an urban legend, Shino. Not real."

"But still," the other boy sighed, then pulled down his collar to look.

"Aagh!" Kiba leaped back, a hand going to his chest.

"What?"

"You don't have a chin! You don't even have a jaw!!"

"Well, yeah. Why do you think you never see the bottom half of my face?"

"I didn't think it was because it _wasn't there!_"

Shino sighed. "Come on, Kiba. Everyone knows that I'm the bastard progeny of Vash the Stampede and Raziel from Soul Reaver."

"But... No! We did see your chin, during the chuunin prelims!"

"Maybe you only _thought_ you did."

"What?" Kiba's palm hit his forehead. "I... No. This is too weird. I'm gonna get going, I'll see you when I see you, training or whatever, you know where the door is, and don't touch the orange juice, Mom thinks it's spiked."


	20. Never Work

"I can't say I ever saw this happening," Itachi mused.

Seated across the table from him, his younger brother squirmed, leering.

"And I really didn't expect to see you try to put anything in my drink, either. Come on, Sasuke, it's a ninja village, not a frat house."

Sasuke bolted to his feet, fist to the air, and shouted a random string of Greek letters. Itachi watched, confused, until he was sure the other had fallen back on reciting the alphabet.

"You got weird, little brother."

"Does this mean you don't like me?"

"Well, I don't mind you. And I am paying for lunch, right?"

"Yeah, true." Sasuke settled back into his seat, then grinned. "Hey, Itachi, ever heard of aphrodisiacal foods?"

"Heard of them, yeah, but I don't believe in them."

"Maybe I believe in them."

"If you're talking about what I think you're talking about, I still think that what you did to that breadstick was disturbing."

"No, not that."

"What's your issue, then? Food didn't do this to you."

"No, it's actually a vicious combination of X and crystal meth."

"That explains a lot. You know that drugs as an escapist technique is a bad idea, right?"

"Yeah. But who cares? I think I'm gonna be running around like this for the next seventy-two hours or so. But that means I have a lot of time to kill. So, what do you say?"

"Huh?"

"I still have a lot of pent-up anger towards you. How about you help me get it out of my system?"

Itachi leered back. "Well, Sakura did say that you had a thing of lube on you."

"Of course. Guy parts don't lubricate like girl parts do."

"I'm glad you came prepared. Oh, little brother, this will work out so wonderfully. I even promise to give you a reach around."

"Wait, what? You think you get to be on top? No way. It's _my_ aggression that I want to take out on _your_ ass, damn it!"

"My ass? By someone like you? Never. You should be glad I'm even willing to screw you."

"Oh, that's right, you wanted to screw Sakura instead."

"Well, yeah, she's got the entire purity thing going on. It begs for corruption. You've currently got the entire corruption 'I'd need to bleach you off before even I touched you' thing going on. Appealing as well, in its' own way. But you're still not getting to screw my ass."

Sasuke stood, sighed. "Two tops, huh. And no compromise. It'd never work."

"Yeah. I'm sorry, little brother. But lunch was nice."

"Yes, it was. We should do it again sometime."


	21. Hidden Talent

Peering through her camera's telescopic lens into the restaurant below, Ino gave a screech of disappointment. "No! Don't do that! Don't _leave!_"

Beside her, Chouji crunched away thoughtfully. "So it's _that_ kind of movie?"

She put down the camera hesitantly. "Well, yeah."

"You like boy porn?"

Even more hesitantly. "Well, I think so. Yeah."

"Do you think it's a cultural backlash to the hypersexualization of girl-on-girl porn?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind. So you're gonna follow Sasuke around all day, waiting to see if he nails some poor guy or not."

She shrugged. "Well, yeah. Unless there's another option."

"Hmm." The rounder boy considered. "There might be."

"What's that?"

"I did say I always wanted to make movies."

"I thought you meant you wanted to help produce movies."

"That, too. But I was thinking of a way that I might be able to help out more with your, ahem, project."

She blinked. "You'll help me keep an eye on Sasuke?"

"I wasn't thinking that."

"You'll help carry stuff for me even more? Thanks a lot, Chouji. It was getting awfully heavy, and I was afraid you wouldn't understand and would bolt when you saw what I was up to –"

He tugged his scarf away, rolled it into a ball, then set it down. "I wasn't thinking that either. Something a little more hands-on."

Another blink. "You..."

"I can act. I can dance, too. Look!"

"Oh my _god,_ Chouji!"

Humming under his breath, Chouji twirled his shirt around his head and threw it, hips gyrating wildly. A handful of fangirls came flying out of the eaves, screeching, to grab the shirt and rip it to memento-sized shreds.

"_Oh my **god! Chouji!**" _

Ino's hands covered her gaping mouth.

His belt cracked professionally before it trailed off in the direction of his shirt. "Pretty good, huh? Why aren't you filming this?"

"I... I..."

"I can model too. Just wait. Hey, how about this g-string? It was a pain in the ass finding one that would fit –"

"I've gotta go **_now!_**"

Bewildered, Chouji watched her leave. Then, shrugging, he set up the camera before resuming his striptease for the rabidly squealing fangirls. It wouldn't do to have his teammate try to start a website with no material at all.


	22. Pickup

"-And it was horrible! And then Itachi came out of nowhere and he wanted me to go out and get drunk with him and –"

Gaara cradled the sobbing girl against his shoulder, only somewhat miffed that she was leaking on him. "That's awful."

Sakura drew back, blinked wetly. "You think so?"

"Yeah. Of course I do."

Her expression shifted to suspicious. "You changed awfully fast."

"Did not."

"Thirty seconds ago you looked like you wanted to kill something."

"Did not."

"Hey, even I know that you're not just going to change like tha–"

"Shush. Story. Horny Naruto, dirty old men, Itachi trying to get you drunk and I assume take advantage of you?"

"Yeah." She shuddered. "And I'm not even all the way done! It gets worse!"

He pressed her face back against him so she couldn't see his smile. "Aww, that's horrible. Now how about we go back to your place and you tell me _all_ about it?"


	23. Finding God

Shikamaru was trying to have a nice, quiet afternoon of doing nothing, but the girl that had followed him out to the training field wasn't having any of it.

"I don't see why you have to do this every day," Temari grumped.

He was trying to think of something to say that would use as few words, and therefore as little energy, as possible, when another blonde head across the field caught his attention.

"I mean, why?" Temari glanced in the direction he was watching, sighed. "Now what's going on?"

"Something troublesome," he muttered.

Bereft of all camera equipment, Ino staggered up to them. "Shikamaru! Did you know that Chouji has a fan club?"

"Well, I guess it makes sense, since he's a nice guy and all-"

"Did you know he dances?"

Shikamaru scratched at his scalp and wished the two girls would just go away. "We all had to take dance lessons in the ninja academy, so it's understandable."

"Noo, I mean he strips!"

Temari fought down an offended glare. "Well, a ninja's got to make money somehow! Our salary really isn't _that_ much!"

When they both turned incredulous expressions to her, she blushed furiously. "I mean... What I mean is..."

Shikamaru blinked. "Wow."

The fan was off of her back and in her hand, waving threateningly at him. "Hey, watch it, buddy! Don't you look down on a girl because of her profession!" She glanced at the ground. "Or if she's a little bit of a voyeur..."

"I think I'm in love," he breathed.

Ino glared, stomped up to Temari. "Hey, you can't have him! He's mine!"

"Yours? You wanted Sasuke!"

"Yeah, but I want him instead now! Sasuke's just for the website!"

"Website?"

"Yeah! You want to talk about voyeur? I'm gonna make an all boy-on-boy website, starring Sasuke!" Under her breath she muttered, "If I can find him again, that is."

Shikamaru shook his head at them. "How troublesome," he murmured.

Temari wasn't to be daunted. "But you didn't care less about him up until this point! The hell makes you think you love him now?"

"I just do, ok?"

"It doesn't work like that!"

"I kno- Wait! I don't care! I love Shikamaru, and you can't have him!"

"Why the hell not? He already thinks I'm great! And besides, look at me! I'm so much better looking than you are it's not funny!"

An indignant screech sounded from the Leaf kunoichi. "You? Come on! Look at _me!_"

The troublesome knot that was forming behind Shikamaru's eyes dissipated at the turn the conversation took.

"I don't even know why you tried to strip anyway. I mean, come on. Your boobs are way smaller than mine."

"They are not! And even if they were, my legs are _so_ much better than yours! Those flimsy stilts of yours are damned funny-looking!"

"They only look funny because of the bandages! See, here!" White strips of fabric flew. "Look!"

"Well, if you're gonna play that way, my boobs only look smaller than yours because you have a pushup bra on! Here! Look!"

"Voyeur! And screw you, I don't _need_ a pushup bra! See!"

Shikamaru carefully knelt, clasped his hands, and looked skyward. "Um, hi. I know I haven't always been the best person, but I would like to take this moment to show my appreciation –"

"My waist is so much smaller than yours! And look at my stomach!"

"It's almost as flat as your ass!"

"My ass is not flat!"

Directly in each other's faces, the two girls raged on, voices climbing. Shikamaru continued. "-My appreciation for everything you've done for myself, my family, and –"

The quiet drew his attention more slowly than the screaming had. For a second, his dementedly high IQ refused to comprehend the situation, which eventually registered in bits and pieces.

_Two girls. Four boobs. Making out. Ohmygod._

His gaze jerked skyward again. "Thankyoubyebye!"


	24. Kickoff

"You know," Sakura said, as she came back from the kitchen with two glasses of water, "You really aren't that bad a person."

"I know," Gaara grinned from his indolent sprawl across the couch. "I'm trying to get past the entire blood for the sake of blood thing."

"And you say that Lee got attacked by something called a Mary Sue?"

"Yeah. It was pretty awful."

"What is that, some kind of demon?"

"Pretty much." He shifted. The couch creaked ominously.

"Maybe it would be a good idea for you to put that sand thing somewhere else," she frowned.

"Maybe."

"Seriously, though, what's it weigh?"

He shrugged. "Sand's heavy. As in about a hundred pounds per square foot. As in about thirty seven hundred pounds per dry-packed cubic meter of it. So with something this size..."

"Eep! You're gonna destroy my furniture!"

He sighed, stood. "Isn't it your mom's furniture? Or parent of some sort?"

"Silly. Whether or not any of us have parents around depends on the day. You need a hand with that?"

"No."

"It looks like you're hung up on your shirt. Hey, just hold still and –"

Gaara of the Desert gave a high-pitched yipe and leapt away from her.

Green eyes met his, considering. "You're ticklish."

He struggled for the remains of his dignity. "Am not."

"You are too." When he crossed the floor to loom over her, she laughed in his face. "I'm going to tell _all_ my friends."

"You are not," he growled.

"Or what?"

Very close now, he glared down at her, teeth bared, and shook his head slightly. "You don't want to know."

Despite herself, she laughed again. "Oh, come on. I really doubt you could do _anything_ now that could even _hope_ to dampen my enthusiasm."

"Can you guess which word you shouldn't have used?"

"No, what– Hey, what are you– Leggo of– Aaiee! Don't lick me!"


	25. I Don't Hate West Virginia! Really!

Delicate creature as she was, Hinata had been more than a little weirded out by Neji's propositions. However, as the future of the Hyuuga's main family, she had to go on.

Trying to not look as timid as she felt, she marched down the street in search of her teammates. She found Kiba first, cuddling with Akamaru on a park bench.

"Hey, Kiba. Have you seen Shino?"

The smile he turned up to her was strange, sickly, a little too stiff. "Yes I did. But can you guess what I didn't see? I didn't see Shino's chin. Nope, nope!"

"But Kiba, we never see Shino's chin."

"Yeah, yeah. And there's a good reason for that."

"Are you ok, Kiba?"

The hand frantically petting Akamaru didn't slow down, though the happily squirming dog didn't seem to mind.

She blinked. "Uh-huh."

"Sasuke tried to get me to sleep with him."

"Huh?"

"But I can't sleep with him. I don't love Sasuke."

"That's refreshing, I suppose?"

"I love Akamaru."

Hinata took a sharp step back. "What?"

"I put a lot of thought into it, and realized that Akamaru is the one for me. He never talks back, he never bitches if I come home late, he's always happy to see me, he's honest if I smell funny..."

"Kiba! We're not in West Virginia!" A second later, she stomped her foot. "I should have thought of that one for Neji!"

Kiba didn't notice. He didn't blink either, his facial expression frozen into something not quite mirth as he petted and petted, as Akamaru squirmed and squirmed.

"Kiba, that's not healthy!"

"He's under forty pounds, it's ok."

"No! It's not! It's- Akamaru, do you have any idea what he's planning?!"

Akamaru cocked his head at her, gave a whine. Kiba's expression shifted, finally. "No, she doesn't mean it. It's nothing, I swear. And besides, she's weird. Doesn't she smell weird?"

"Arf!" said Akamaru, the tip of his tail dusting the bench.

Kiba nodded. "I thought so. Hey, let's get going before she says anything else weird."

Completely blown away, Hinata silently watched them depart.


	26. Hit the Floor

"Well?"

Sakura looked away, then back to the Sand ninja. "Are you always this pushy?"

"Yeah, most of the time. Now come on."

"But are you sure... I mean, should we?"

"Well, what is there to lose?"

She glared. "I could think of a few things, my sanity and my life being among them."

"Besides that."

"I don't know," she sighed.

Gaara grabbed onto her hands, tugged. "I'll make it easy for you."

"Hey!"

He huffed, his impatience barely concealed. "If I promise to try my hardest to not damage you irreparably, will you come on?"

Sakura bit her lip. "Well..."

"Good. On the floor. Now."


	27. Meant to Be

The world was ending, Tenten decided. For Neji to seek her out while she was trying to train so he could confide in her meant that the sky would fall at any moment.

"But, you see, I think I'd loved her since we were kids. One of my earliest memories is on her third birthday party, when I told my dad that I thought she was cute. But now..." The Hyuuga sighed.

_Even if he won't tell me who this mystery girl is,_ she thought.

"Neji, I'm sure that things will work out all right. I mean, even if she doesn't like you how you like her... You're still a great guy."

_Maybe I can hit on him?_

"You think so?"

"Yeah. And look at you! Your face, your hair..." She ran a hand down his hair for emphasis.

"I have this damn thing on my forehead, though!"

"But that's ok. Your forehead protector covers it up, and if worse comes to worse we'll give you 80's bangs and then... Wait, no. That'll totally ruin your aesthetic appeal."

"I'm just gonna get laser removal. Then everything will be back to normal and I can tan properly!"

She blinked. "I thought you were that white because you wanted to be."

"No, I'm this white because I refuse to tan in blotches, but I also refuse to show people this unsightly thing on my head! I'm too pretty for that!"

"Yes you are," came a new voice. "Far too pretty."

Sasuke approached, leering in a way that only the consumption of far too many pills could explain.

Neji gulped. "Huh?"

"You're way to pretty for any girl." If anything, the leer intensified. "But you're definitely pretty enough for me."

Tenten jumped up. "Woah, wait!"

Neji stood also, a little more slowly. "Are you implying..."

"That you're gorgeous, and so am I. You're a badass fighter, and so am I. We both have bloodline limit abilities. It was obviously meant to be."

"We do have more in common than Hinata and I," Neji pondered.

Tenten darted in front of him. "Neji, wait, just because he rubs your ego the right way doesn't mean you should-" She jolted. _"Hinata?"_

"Yeah. I thought she was the one for me. But I was wrong. However..." The Hyuuga turned white eyes to his swiftly approaching once-rival. "Maybe you're right, Uchiha. Maybe it is... Destiny."

"Call it whatever you like," Sasuke smirked, his elbow bumping Tenten out of the way as his hands reached, connected.

"Neji, you can't do this!"

Neji smiled, eyes never leaving the boy in front of him as the space between their faces dwindled to nothing. "Oh, yes I can."

It was like watching a car wreck in slow motion – Abjectly horrifying, but Tenten was unable to look away. By the time they were on the ground, clothing being hurriedly pushed aside, she realized that it wasn't really her place to be there anymore.

As she retreated, she heard Sasuke mutter "Damn it, where's the lube?"

This was really not her day.

In the distance, circled by his fangirls and wearing a red feathered boa around his neck, Chouji adjusted the camera's angle and grinned. Ino was going to love him so much, she'd buy him dinner for a week straight!


	28. Fluster

Beyond flustered, Hinata had moved straight to shock. Walking carefully, as though she had taken a major wound and was slowly bleeding out, she almost missed Shino.

"Hey, Hinata."

She jerked. "Oh. Hi. I was looking for you."

Shino may have been more than a little odd, but he wasn't blind. "Are you ok?"

"I think so." She held her hands out in front of her, noting on some level that they were vibrating. "Hey, look at that. That's funny."

"Ok, let's sit down. Now." Her teammate carefully guided her to the wall of a nearby building.

Hinata glanced around as she was being pushed into a seated position. "Hey, I know where we are."

"Yeah, we're in Konoha. Wow. I wish I had a hip flask or something to offer you."

"Couldn't you get one from Kiba?"

"Kiba apparently doesn't drink."

"He doesn't?" White eyes widened momentarily.

"Yeah. And here I thought he was an alcoholic."

"Me too," she sighed, folding her hands in her lap as Shino squatted beside her. "But I know where we are. I know this house."

"It's ok, Hinata. Just sit there and concentrate on the problems with the Kantian Categorical Imperative."

"The what?"

"Never mind. Here, look at this bug."

"Ok."

Murmuring and light laughter came from the window in the wall above them, but they didn't pay much attention.

"I think everyone went crazy today," Hinata finally said.

"Yeah," Shino agreed. "Kiba said that Sasuke tried to have sex with him."

She snorted her surprise, then chuckled. "That's almost as bad as Neji trying to get me to have sex with him. Only Neji wanted to get married and have kids after."

Shino cringed, then continued. "Kiba told me that he isn't an alcoholic right after that. Then he took off. I think I upset him, though, I wanted to pick this zit and..."

"I don't see a zit?"

"It's under my collar."

"Oh, ok."

"But then I told him about my parents and he got all weird."

"Oh. I'm sorry?"

He shrugged. "It's nothing."

"I saw Kiba a little while ago. 'Got all weird' is a nice way to put things, I think."

"Eh?"

"He declared his undying love for Akamaru. In _that_ kind of way."

For someone that was internally crawling with insects, Shino still gave an impressive shudder. "That's not cool at all. Yeah, Hinata, I think you're right. It looks like they all _did_ go insane." He stood, offered her a hand up. "Let's go tell his mom before he does something stupid, like has puppies."

Once standing, though, the previously incomprehensible murmurs coming from the window still over their heads became all too distinct.

A male's voice, somewhat aggrieved. "Of course it'll work. Don't be silly."

A female voice responded. "How?"

"It's simple. All you have to do is get your leg over my shoulder."

"But I don't bend that way!"

"Sure you do. See?"

"Ow ow ow ow that hurts!"

"Only for the first few minutes. But in the meantime..."

Hinata gasped. "I told you I knew this house! It's Sakura's!"

Behind his glasses, Shino's eyes got impossibly wide. "So Sakura's in there..."

Sakura's voice picked up again. "I thought I told to keep the sand out of this!"

"Fine, have it your way!"

"Aagh! You're heavy! Damn it, Gaara, get off of me!"

"You're laying on my leg. I can't."

Hinata and Shino exchanged equally shocked stares. "Gaara?!"


	29. No Good Answer

Kakashi's nerves, though shaken that morning, were soothed by the paperback in his hand. Maybe Iruka was a fluke. Maybe men didn't really like him. And besides, he couldn't be but so confused by his sexual identity if he still liked het porn that much.

Right?

There had to be a way to find out. On both accounts.

Looking at the cover, he got his idea. Two of them, more precisely. Head snapping up, he called out to the first person he saw. "Hey!"

Kankurou turned, gave him a quizzical look. "Me?"

"Yeah. I've got a question for you."

"You're Kakashi, the copy ninja, right?"

"Yes, I am. My reputation precedes me?"

"Yeah, I guess so. Was that the question?"

"No, no. I was just wondering if, as a man, you found me sexually attractive?"

"Huh?"

"Like here, as I am? Do you think I'm sexy?"

"Is this some kind of trick?"

"No, of course not. What about this?" Kakashi shrugged his vest over his shoulders and struck a pose, pulling his shirt up some to show off his abs.

The Sand ninja backed up a step. "Um..."

"Ok, how about this?" Kakashi blurred to a nearby bench, where he stretched out, ankles crossed and propped up on one elbow. Thinking again, he jumped up, shrugged out of his shirt, unbuttoned his pants, and then stretched backout, giving his best one-eyed come-hither look. "Does this make you horny?"

"Um!"

"Does it make your mouth moist and your body ache? Can you feel your need for me at the joining of your quivering thighs?" Kakashi stood and sauntered closer. "Does your flesh hunger for the levels of pleasure that you know only I can provide?"

Eyes wide, paling dramatically, Kankurou looked like he was about to faint. His voice came out a squeak. "Is there a right or wrong answer?"

"No, not at all."

"Is there a right thing I could say that would let me go home unharmed?"

"Every answer is the right answer today, my friend."

The statement didn't appear to have helped things at all. Kankurou swallowed hard a few times, tugged at his collar. "Um... Well, honestly? I'd have to say that you really don't do it for me."

"Thank you."

The Sand ninja brightened. "I mean, really. You cover your face up all the time, and from what I've heard you have this giant awful scar and when it comes down to it you're _old_-"

"That's enough," he grumbled.

"Hey, you said every answer was the right answer!"

"That doesn't mean that I-" Kakashi huffed.

"You're a vain old man, aren't you. You're going through a midlife crisis. You're gonna try to buy a little sports car and pick up girls... Eh, _guys_ young enough to be your kids, huh?"

"Cut it out," he growled, "before I send you back to the clown car you crawled out of."

Hands came up defensively. "Sheesh, chill. This much stress can't be good for your heart."

Flustered, Kakashi tried to start over. "I have another question, though. Have you seen a big guy anywhere, with white hair and red marks on his face? He'd probably be following girls around, or near the women's bath, probably peeking..."

"There's one like that outside of the bathing area." Kankurou gestured in the general direction, cautiously. "I think he might be kinda crazy, though..."

He had much better things to be doing than bickering over how old he was - or wasn't! - with some Sand brat. "That's him. Thanks a lot!"

"Hey, one second!"

Kakashi turned impatiently. "Yes?"

"Have you seen either of my siblings?"


	30. Nightmares

Kankurou grumbled under his breath as he marched down the street, having decided that Konoha's own Copy Ninja was more weird than helpful.

Well, more damned scary than helpful.

"Do I find him attractive... Gah!" He stopped in his tracks, palms hitting his eyes, then rubbing frantically to get rid of unwanted mental images.

"I'm going to have nightmares tonight..."

Wandering along, he saw two people he recognized standing under a window, staring at each other with matched horrified expressions.

"Hey, I remember you. Shino, right? What's going mrrph!"

Shino and Hinata both clamped hands over his mouth, expressions going from horrified to frantic. "Shhh!"

When they let go of him, he tried again, this time at a whisper. "Guys, what's going on?"

"Listen!" hissed Hinata. So he did.

"Oh my god, my side just cramped."

"Just a minute, then we'll switch up and it'll go away."

"But I want to switch up now! Come on, be understanding. You've already bent me in more directions than I want to think about!"

Kankurou blinked. Then blinked again. His mouth dropped open, worked, but no sound came out.

The female voice continued. "Aren't you worn out yet?"

"You're forgetting. I'm not exactly running at one hundred percent human, so of course my stamina levels are-"

"Damned impressive, yeah. But I'm not you. Can I at least get a moment to myself after we're done with this one?"

Kankurou's voice finally returned to him. "That's my brother," he choked out.

"Yeah," agreed Hinata.

"What's he –"

"I think you know!" Shino answered.

Suddenly unsteady, Kankurou sat down, hard. "Who's he..."

"Sakura."

The ground dropped out from under him again, and he reeled. "Little... Pink hair... Kinda wimpy?"

Shino started to nod, then thought better of it. "You should have heard her make him shriek earlier though! Things got kind of incoherent, so we don't know exactly what happened, but -"

"I... No! Nooo!" The older Sand ninja lurched to his feet, choked back a hysterical cackle. "Gaara. The nutcase. The bloodthirsty, completely insane one. The 'look at me I can't sleep so now I'm gonna kill you' one. The we get the hell out of his way because he's damned scary one. And he's... Before I ever could..." He swallowed hard. "I think I'm really depressed now."

Not knowing that he was quite possibly the last remaining sane member of his family, Kankurou decided that he needed to find a nice quiet spot to hide until it was time for his siblings to come find him, ready to go home. And apparently the nightmares were going to be far worse than he'd previously expected.


	31. Wrong Kind of Education

After six showers, Naruto finally came out of hiding. Walking carefully, cautiously, trying to make sure he didn't see a familiar, spiky, overly hormonal head, he made it almost to his favorite ramen shop before he ran into Lee.

"Thickbrows! What happened to you?"

"I got beat up," Lee grinned, pupils almost back to a normal size. "There was this girl, and she –"

"You got beat up by a girl?" Naruto cackled, then whooped. "That's great! Was it Sakura?"

"Nooo... I don't know what she was. But I don't think she was human."

"Oh. Hey, have you seen Sakura anywhere? I was looking for her..."

"Yeah. She yelled at me, actually." Lee blinked, expression puzzled. "Hey, Naruto, what's sex?"

"What?"

"Sakura said something about she wouldn't have sex with me, and I don't know what she was talking about. Can you tell me?"

"Umm..." Naruto scrunched his eyes, bit his lip. This was going to be hard to explain! "Well, it's this thing you do with someone else, and it involves... Well, first you... Um, you have to... Ah, screw it. Hold on, I'm gonna go get one of Jiraiya's books. That'll tell you pretty much everything you need to know!"

"Really?"

"Yeah!... I think. Stay here!"

Lee grinned widely. It was such a great thing that he knew such great people, that would help him out with all of his problems!

A quiet noise from a nearby alleyway drew his attention. Well, Naruto had told him to stay there, but he wouldn't go far.

"Hehehehe... Sharingan! Hehehhe... OooooOOOoOoOoooOoooo..."

Sasuke was sprawled out on the ground, waving his hand in front of his eyes and cackling at himself.

"Sasuke? You ok?"

"Perfectly, wonderfully wonderful. Hey, do you have anything I could chew on? My jaw kinda hurts."

"Peanut brittle ok?"

"Perfect. Lee, I love you!"

"Thanks, Sasuke!"

It really was a great thing that he had all these people around that cared about him so much!

"Hey, Sasuke. I have a question for you. What's sex?"

The Uchiha coiled, then snapped to his feet, eyes wide, mouth open with delight. "What?"

"Well, I was just asking Naruto what sex was, and he went off to get a book to help me out, and–"

"No no no, Lee! You can't learn about sex from a book! You have to experience it first!"

"Really?"

"Of course! Like, there's two different kinds of sex, really. There's making love, but that's not too much fun. Then there's straight-up fucking. That's the good stuff, there. My personal favorite."

"Really?"

"Yeah. As a matter of fact..." Sasuke gave him a considering look. "I would be proud to help introduce you to it."

Lee's eyes were starry-bright. _"Really?"_

"It would be my honor. Now, come here. And where's that lube?"

"It won't take too long, right? Because Naruto's gonna be coming back sometime soon with that book for me..."

"Sssh. Naruto's probably asleep by now. Besides..." Suddenly channeling Rocky Horror Picture Show, Sasuke grabbed Lee by the legs and flipped him onto his back. "Do you want him to see you... like _this?"_


	32. Hide

Kankurou had found the perfect place to hide. It was a little niche under some stairs, quiet, dry, cool, and unfortunately occupied.

"Hey, I want that spot!"

"Screw you," Tenten snapped. "I have first dibs!"

He glanced around. No Kakashi in sight, or anything else obviously scary. "But you don't know what I just went through!"

"I just went through the guy that I liked deciding to have sex with Sasuke in front of me!"

He blinked. "The Uchiha? Mr. Leaf-Badass? That's pretty bad."

Her shoulders slumped. "You're telling me."

"I went through what I think was Kakashi propositioning me."

"You're kidding."

"He took his clothes off and posed, and gave me some romance novel lines. It was kinda scary."

"Wow." Tenten cringed, then looked up at him, considering. "Hey, Kankurou."

"Yeah?"

"There's enough room back here for both of us."

Hiding in pairs was, after all, far better than hiding alone.


	33. Go Blind

Naruto bounded back to where he'd left Lee, orange book in hand.

"Hey, Fuzzy Eyebrows! Where'd you go?"

Nothing.

"Lee?"

The street was empty.

The alleyway, though, wasn't.

Naruto stared, horrified, then turned and bolted before Sasuke could see him and drag him in too.

Once he'd taken a few more scalding showers, trying unsuccessfully to scrub his eyes out this time, he wandered back into his room, glanced at the orange book on his bed.

That.

If anything would help get all of the scariness he had witnessed or been a part of that day out of his head, it would be the Pervert Sannin, Jiraiya.


	34. Opposite of Clean

It was too bad Neji had worn out that easily, Sasuke reflected. But perhaps, in the greater scheme of things, it was fortunate.

"Wow," he sighed, patting himself off, wishing he had cigarettes. "That was awesome."

Straightening his clothes with near-frantic speed, Lee stared at him accusatorily. "That was horrible! That was awful! That was –"

"Sex." Sasuke chuckled. "Amazing sex. We should do it again."

"Nooo! And look at you! That's disgusting! You're covered in..."

Channeling Tool's Prison Sex this time, Sasuke sat up. "Shit, blood, and cum. Yeah, that's a part of it. What, you thought it was gonna be clean?"

"I thought... I... You... Eew!"

"I think I love you, Lee!"

"I've got to go _home!_"

Sasuke pouted as his new favorite person staggered to his feet and hobbled away. Oh well. There would definitely be someone else to take his place.


	35. Easier Not to Think

Shikamaru decided that he needed a hat. A big gold and purple one, with a feather. A pimp hat.

To his either side, Temari and Ino shot each other catty glances.

"I kiss better than you," Ino hissed past him, smirking.

"You wish," Temari grinned back.

"Hey, please, let's not argue. You're both wonderful. More than wonderful. You've both made me the happiest man in Konoha."

Twin giggles, as hands simultaneously smacked him on the rear.

_Yes,_ he decided. _This is bliss._

He really needed the hat. And maybe a cane to go along with it. A glittery one.

"Hey, guys!" Ino happily called, but her targets, standing against a wall, shushed her with frantically waving arms.

Seeing the need for secrecy, they approached Shino and Hinata as stealthily as they possibly could.

"Guys," Temari started, "What's going on?"

Hinata pressed a finger to her lips, hissed "Shhh!" Then pointed upwards. "Listen!"

The repetitive, breathy voice calling on God was drowned out by a wicked masculine chuckle. "Just do it already. I won't stop you."

"If I do," came the panting reply, "I'm taking you with me this time."

The male voice reflected amusement. "Really? Do you really think you can?"

"I... think I'll... try..."

"Heh." The tone dropped lower. "Then you'd better hold on."

Ino's jaw had dropped. "That's Sakura's voice!"

"And... That sounds like Gaara!" Temari gasped. "He can't be! Are they –"

A shriek cut her off. "Damn it! I said no sand! That's... Oh my- Gah!"

There was a series of arrhythmic thuds off of what sounded like a hard surface. In a moment, the silence was broken by paired, breathless, shaky laughter. Shikamaru's brain cut off again.


	36. Voyeur

"But yeah, it's really awful. I mean, my little brother has apparently lost his virginity before me, and he doesn't even have eyebrows!"

"That is pretty awful," Tenten agreed, laying a comforting hand over his.

_Hey,_ Kankurou realized. _She's kinda cute._

Surreptitiously, he turned his hand over, carefully linking fingers with hers. "You think so?"

"Of course." She grinned too innocently. "But you said you can hear it from the street outside her house?"

"Yeah, you can. Why do you... Oh, no."

The innocence faded away into a wicked smile. "Are you sure that's what they're doing?"

"Well, I didn't actually... I mean..."

"Think it would warrant another listen?"

He blinked. "You want –"

"For the sake of kinkiness, I mean, curiosity."

"You're _dirty!_"

"Oh, but imagine how much _fun_ we could have with it."

Because he could imagine it, all too vividly, he let her drag him by the hand back to where a small group was forming under an open window.


	37. Lucky or Bright

Staggering down the street, Lee suddenly understood what Sakura had been talking about. If that was sex, then she had every reason to want nothing to do with it! And to say the least, he didn't want anything else to do with it either!

Still wearing his boa but without as many fangirls, Chouji approached. "Hey, Lee. You look like hell!"

He tried to smile back. "I do? I kinda feel like it, too."

"Guess what? I'm gonna be on the internet!" Chouji waved a tape around in the air, then dug in a pocket to produce another one. "And so is Sasuke! Apparently he went nuts and started trying to have sex with every guy that crossed his path!"

Lee's jaw dropped, then he glared. "Why didn't someone tell me about this earlier!"

"Why, you wanted to be a part of it?"

The taller boy's eyes caught on fire as he loomed over the other. "Damn it, I already _was_ a part of it!"

"You were?" Chouji's eyes widened. "And I wasn't there to tape it?"

"_Tape it?_"

"Yeah! I'm Ino's official cameraperson and spokesman for her new website! I already got video of Sasuke and Neji!"

"Sasuke and..." Lee collapsed. "I feel even dirtier!"

Two people running down the street caught their attention. Chouji blinked at them. "Hey, that was Kankurou! What's he doing in Konoha?"

Lee looked a little closer. "Hey, that was Tenten dragging him around! What was that about?"

Because they weren't sure, they followed them, a trio of fangirls trailing along behind.

The group was shushing them before they even got close.

"What's up?" Chouji whispered.

"Gaara and Sakura!" Tenten grinned a little too maniacally.

Lee jerked, forgetting to be quiet. "Gaara! He'll kill her! He'll -"

Tackled by four different individuals, he squeaked. His protest was cut off, though, when the pair indoors picked up again.

"Seriously, Gaara. No sand."

"You'd prefer it wasn't there?"

"If I knew I wasn't going to end up with it in less than comfortable places, I might not mind as much!"

"Do you think I'm really in that little control of it? And I didn't see you minding when it was holding you up before!"

"Come on. No sand, ok?" A pause. "Hey, are you ok?"

His voice was tight, sharp. "Don't... move... your hand..."

"What are you... Oh. You're going to..." A cackle. "Oh, my."

"I mean it. Don't –"

"Don't move my hand? You mean like this? Or like this? Or –"

"Aagh!"

Sakura gave an aggrieved wail. "Oh my god! You got it up my _nose!_"

The reply managed to sound mocking and out of breath at the same time. "You deserved it..."

"Oooh, you! And I said no sand!" A huff. "I've got go to try to get this stuff out of... My hair! I'm covered! How did you manage to..."

"You know already. If you finish that question, I refuse to answer."

"You egotistical, stuck-up, sandy pain in my ass..."

"You love it. Stop complaining."

"I'm gonna go clean myself off!" Stomping footsteps retreated, faded.

A sigh came from the room's remaining occupant. "Heh... This is harder than I thought."

Lee glanced at the faces around him, past Ino's cheerily scribbling notes to his teammate. "Hey, Tenten, mind telling me what's going on?"

Focused on a somewhat agitated Kankurou, she leered. "It's kinda hot, isn't it?"

"Another voyeur," Temari grinned. "Looks like you're pretty awesome after all!"

Lee blinked, then made a face, eyebrows furrowing into one huge black mass. "Tenten, it's not hot out at all! What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing's wrong with me," she sighed, and tugged at the back of the puppeteer ninja's shirt. "You know, you're awfully... Big boned."

Kankurou's expression clicked from worried, to mildly shocked, to wickedly amused. "Yes, I am."

Seeing that she wasn't going to be able to help him at all, he turned to Shino. "Hey, what are they doing in there?

"You mean you don't know?"

With what had happened the _last_ time he had wanted to know about something definitely twisting in front of his mental vision, Lee decided to fake it. "Of course I do! Silly..." He turned away, folded his arms, and glared over his shoulder, cursing the remains of his innocence.

Maybe, if he was really lucky, and really bright, he could figure out what was going on by himself.

From inside, Gaara spoke up. "Well, you ready to go again?"

And if he couldn't figure it out on his own... Then those two ought to give him a good idea soon enough.


	38. Narcissus

The guy looking at him was everything Sasuke had ever wanted.

He reached out. They reached back.

He stuck his tongue out at them. They returned.

Feeling sure of himself, he flashed them, and was rewarded with a glimpse of their bright-white skin.

_Yes,_ he decided. _This is the person for me. This is who I truly love._

But when he tried to touch them, his fingertips thunked off of the glass.

Dejected, Sasuke sat in front of the mirror, staring at himself. Eventually, though, he got an idea. A wonderful, brilliant idea.

It was just that he didn't want to leave himself for long enough to look for a smaller, portable mirror. He looked awfully lonely in there!


	39. Indeed

Naruto found Jiraiya outside of the women's bathing area, just as expected. The Toad Sennin spared him a glance and a grin before passing on a pair of binoculars. "Second from the right," he advised.

_Just what I needed, _Naruto thought with a sigh. _Good clean bonding time. Nothing scary or really too awful or -_

"Jiraiya!"

Turning, the pair saw Kakashi, carrying half of his clothing in one hand.

_Uhoh?_

"Jiraiya, I have something I need to talk to you about."

The self-proclaimed Super-Pervert stood and faced him. "You do, Kakashi?"

"Indeed."

"Indeed?"

"Indeed." The Copy ninja coughed. "As I was saying, I need help. I needed to find you, actually, because I think that you are the only one that may be able to help me in the way I need to be helped!"

Naruto blinked, gulped. _Oh no!_

"What way is that?"

Kakashi stepped in. Now an arm's length away, he grinned. "Well, you see, I had this awful experience this morning where I woke up with another man. I'm afraid I've started to doubt myself."

"That's all right." Jiraiya stepped in also, laid a comforting hand on Kakashi's bare shoulder. "We all do that, sometimes."

"Indeed?"

"Indeed."

_Indeed!_ Naruto's mouth went dry.

"I found your book, though, and–"

"Which edition is that? That one? Eh. The next one's gonna be better. You wait and see."

"You mean it?"

"Indeed."

"But as I was saying, as the creator of this series, as my idol, as my own personal deity even, I was hoping that you could–"

"Deity? Me?"

"Well, look at all of the wonderful, illustrious works you've turned out. Illustrious, shining, slick –"

"Oh, you mean _that_ edition!"

"Indeed."

The two men cackled.

"Tell me, Jiraiya," Kakashi crooned. "What do you think I could do that would possibly help me with this problem?"

"I have a few ideas," Jiraiya leered back.

"Indeed?"

"Indeed. I believe you need something that will help you... Reaffirm your manliness."

"Oh, really?"

The direction they were taking, the looks they were giving each other, and how they seemed to be inching closer and closer together made Naruto sure that this was no longer his party. "Um, guys, gonna get going now bye!"

"I have the perfect idea," Jiraiya smirked.

"Oh. Indeed?"

"Oh, indeed. It'll be... _Incredibly_ dangerous, of course. But _nothing_ two men like ourselves can't handle."

"Tell me," Kakashi whispered, then licked his lips.

"I say..."

A hand caressed Kakashi's cheek.

"You and me," the sennin continued, pulling the forehead protector up from over the other's eye.

Nostrils flared. Teeth flashed in perfect smirks. Eyes met and locked.

"...Go steal Tsunade's underwear."


	40. Not Quite

Less than a half hour later, Naruto found them bruised and bleeding outside of the Hokage's quarters.

"She's still really strong," Jiraiya sighed, holding a hand to his aching head.

"Indeed," Kakashi agreed. "Hey, when did we get on this 'indeed' kick?"

"I don't know. But I'm not sure I like it."

"What'd you two do?" Naruto gaped.

"We tried to raid the Fifth's underwear drawer," Kakashi answered. "But she was there at the time, and took more than a little bit of offense when _someone_ decided to wear her bra on his head!"

"I still have the bra," Jiraiya offered.

"Really?"

"Indee- Oh, damn it!"

"You guys are hopeless," sighed their unhappy observer.

"Indeed!" said Kakashi, then smacked himself in the forehead. "Gah! It's stuck!"

Jiraiya nodded as sagely as possible for someone with a huge black eye and more than a few loose teeth. "Ind- Gah!"

They both glared off into space, their student looking from one to the other hopelessly.

Finally, Jiraiya spoke. "Hey, Kakashi. I have another idea."

The Copy Ninja cleared his throat before he spoke. "Do you now?"

"I told you how I look at women for inspiration for my stories, right?"

Another careful reply. "Yes, you did."

"Well, I say we go out and look for more inspiration!"

"Indeed!" Another smack. "Fuck!"

"You two are just a pair of perverts. You deserve each other," Naruto scowled.

"Jiraiya, I hope that I am as inspired as you are by whatever we may find!"

"If you are indeed – Gak!" Jiraiya glared again before restarting. "If you are as inspired as I am, and you should happen to write something also, then I would be proud to have it cameo in my next release!"

Kakashi squealed with uber-fandom.

"Um, ok, guys. I think it's time for me to go home again!"

Naruto tried to quietly make his escape, but was caught by the collar. "Hold it, Naruto," Jiraiya said. "You're gonna help!"

Struggling, the blond boy snarled. "But what if I don't want to?"

"If you find us the perfect inspiration, I'll teach you a new technique!"

Naruto instantly went from angrily squirming to bright-eyed and cheerfully gleeful. "Ok!"

And with that, they were off.

After about an hour of searching, though, Naruto started to get dejected. It seemed like everyone was indoors, and the pair with him had decided that the women's bath house wasn't the perfect inspiration. He was about to give up hope when they turned a corner to find a group of people huddled below the window of... Sakura's house?

"Guys, what's–"

"Shut _up_, Naruto!" came a chorus of hisses.

Chagrined, he advanced quietly, followed by Kakashi and Jiraiya. "What's going–"

He got cut off by the objects of everyone's auditory attention.

"What were you trying to do there, choke me to death with it?"

"If you breathed through your nose then things would have been ok. But no, you had to try and hold your breath the entire time!"

"But if I had breathed through my nose I would have gotten sand up my nose and I _said_ no sand! But no! You have to keep trying to bring it in anyway!"

Naruto gasped. "Sakura? And _him!_"

"They just don't stop," Shikamaru informed them. "It's positively unreal."

Gaara's mock-aggravated tone was shot through with laughter. "Stop complaining and get back over here."

"Why?"

"So we can try again."

"_Again?_ You're sick. Really."

"I'd prefer to call it 'overly healthy.' Now come on, and don't try to tell me you're still sore from the last time."

"Of course I am! I really don't think I'm supposed to bend that way. Wait, what are we... Aww, no. How's _this_ supposed to work?"

"Arch your back a little bit more and everything will be fine."

"Ow, damn you!" A groan. "I think I lost a rib there..."

"You did not."

"You'd_ better _make this worth my time."

"Of course I will."

With twin muffled screeches of fanatical glee, Jiraiya and Kakashi broke out notepads and dropped to the ground, scribbling frantically.

Jiraiya looked up with a demented grin. "And you get that technique, Naruto!"

Elation warred with a growing sense of disquiet which, when he thought about what he was hearing, turned into flat-out alarm. "But Jiraiya! It's Gaara!"

"And the boy apparently has both creativity and a libido to match my own! Now be quiet! Don't alarm them!"

Naruto, though, was past caution. "But Jiraiya! He's _fucking_ her!"

Lee jerked from where he was standing, his innocently amused smile falling in on itself. "What?"

"Come on! What did you _think_ they were doing!"

"You mean he's having sex with her?" The expression on the older boy's face was one of complete horror. "With Sakura? With _my_ Sakura?"

"Guys, be _quiet_," Ino hissed.

"But it's _sex_," Lee wailed. "And she didn't want to have sex with me and Sasuke showed me why and now she's in there with... with... **_him!_**"

As everyone except Chouji and his fangirls tried to make sense of that statement, Lee thumped a closed fist to his chest with a shout. "I'll save you, Sakura!"

Before he could be stopped, he had taken a flying leap through the window. His landing shocked the pair on the floor into collapsing in a tangle of arms, legs, and sand.

He blinked, confused, as the others peered through the window after him. "What?"

It really should have been expected.

"Twister? Incredibly, exceptionally sandy Twister?"

The red-headed ninja glared up at him, then at the shocked faces of the others. "What the hell are you trying to pull?"

"I, I thought..."

Sand poured away from the pair as Gaara tugged Sakura to her feet. "You thought what?"

Konoha's Beautiful Green Beast looked down, blushed. "I thought you were having sex with her, and since sex is awful and bad and-"

"You _what?_" shrieked Sakura.

Lee dove back outside before any of the punches could connect.

The pair looked at each other, then at their impromptu fan club. Gaara scowled. "How long have you guys been out there?"

Hinata and Shino glanced at each other. "Um... The past four hours."

"We'll be out in a minute," Sakura growled, before sharply yanking the window closed and drawing the shade.


	41. Oh, why not

AN: I might nab some of the ideas people leave in the reviews, just because I'm seeing ways to make some of them work, in one horribly humiliating form or another.  
But seriously, I feed on the feedback. And there's currently no end to this in sight.

* * *

"Didn't expect that," Gaara sighed.

"Yeah, me either." Sakura chuckled. "We had an audience."

"But not for everything, at least."

"Yeah, thankfully. Although I still can't believe I let you talk me into that."

He leered. "I can't believe your couch held up to it."

"I definitely told you no sand..."

"Come on, it was like sex on a beach, only without the actual beach."

They grinned at each other.

"I say we try it again."

Gaara nodded, smirked. "I agree."

"Same time tomorrow?"

"You wanted to wait until _tomorrow?_"

"If I don't sleep, I'll end up looking like _you._"

He snorted before opening the door for her.

The collection of people that were waiting outside was moderately impressive. To their right, a dismayed Kankurou watched Tenten's expression complete its shift from gleeful to disappointed. "Twister. That's..." She huffed. "That's no fun at all!"

"But we can still–" started Kankurou.

"I'm going home," she snarled. "Alone!"

The larger boy turned sharply to his brother. "Why the hell'd you have to keep your clothes on, anyway!" He gave Gaara a half-hearted sneer before hurrying after the undisguisedly grumpy object of his desire. "Hey, wait up! Hey... What's your name again?"

"Well," Kakashi said, scratching his head with his pen. "That was awkward."

"And it was so inspiring," Jiraiya sighed. "But then it turned out to be nothing."

"But it's ok," Lee beamed, a little too brightly. "Because nothing bad happened." He turned to Sakura. "Hey, you can spend time with me too, right? And we can play Twister too! And it'll be fun! And not bad! And fun!"

"And me too," Naruto grinned.

Seeing innocent intentions on the face of the one, but not-so-innocent intentions on the other, Sakura backed up a step. "Um, let's not and say we did, ok?"

From somewhere down the street came the faint sounds of someone singing.

"But Sakura," Lee whined. "If you can play with him, then why can't you play with us?"

The red-faced and pink-haired girl tried desperately to form a coherent reply, but was cut off – spared? – by the suddenly closer off-key voice.

"'Cause I'm on the out-side, I'm looking in..."

Shikamaru's head snapped up. "What the hell?"

Hinata gasped. "That's not..."

"That's Sasuke," cried a horrified Lee.

"I can see throo-oough you, see your true co-o-lors... Wait, no I can't. New song!"

Naruto's face twisted into disbelief. "What's he doing?"

"He's not," gaped Temari.

The doped-up Uchiha skidded into view from a side street, raising a small yet dramatic cloud of dust around his shins. In his arms, he carried a full-length mirror.

Ino squinted, blinked. "He's tangoing?"

"I'm look-king at the man in the mir-ror!" Sasuke belted out. Obviously not knowing the lyrics, he mumbled something vaguely along the right tune, covering up his misstep with a pirouette and a dip.

"Worse," came the choked reply from Chouji. "He's songficcing!"

"No!"

"Everyone, run!"

"That man, that man, that man, that man," came the vague tune. The sounds of multiple running feet and a door slamming caught Sasuke's attention. With as many people as he'd heard, he could surely get enough of a group together to do the dance sequence from Thriller! But when he looked up, the street was empty.


	42. Just Checking!

"The Hyuuga clan's prodigy and the Uchiha clan's ex-prodigy," came the tired voice from beside him. "Both post-Sasuke."

Itachi shrugged, draping an arm over the bench they were sitting on. "At least I didn't do anything with him, though. And looking at your condition, I'm glad I didn't."

Neji glared. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"When did you decide it wasn't a good idea? Before or after you realized you probably wouldn't be able to walk normally?"

"After I realized that he's more than a little drugged up. The fact that he went for no more than forty-five seconds at a time kind of got to me, but is irrelevant." His tone shifted to pensive. "Maybe that explains why he would... Hmm."

Curiosity got the better of the Uchiha. "He would...?"

"Go, finish, pant, start over. Repeat about twenty times."

"Wow."

"Yeah. I think he'll dehydrate if he keeps it up. But I must say, he's given me some insight. He may have been a mistake, but I think that he's brought me to a better understanding of myself."

Itachi blinked. "You mean you think you're gay now?" Internally, he cackled. _He's pretty and single! Pretty and single! Whee!_

"Well, I _know_ that. It's a deeper understanding."

"You think he bruised something in there?"

"Wrong kind of deep. I've realized..." Neji took a deep breath, let it out. "I would be happier living my life... As a woman."

Across the country, fangirls swooned and died.

"But Neji," Itachi started. "It's a ninja village. They don't have that kind of surgical capability!"

"That's ok," Neji grinned. "I thought it out already."

"You did?"

The Hyuuga stood, performed an intricate set of hand seals. "Sex Change no jutsu!"

_Poof!_

Itachi blinked.

Neji blinked back.

Finally, Itachi spoke. "You look the same."

"I do?"

"Yeah. Did it work?"

"I don't know," said Neji, doing a quick, personal pat-down. "Wait! My pecs got awfully pointy!"

"They did?"

"Yeah, look!" The Hyuuga's shirt was pulled up to show off the new additions.

"Wow, look at those!"

"Yeah, how about that!"

"Do they feel right?"

Neji poked at him/herself. "They jiggle, is that right?"

"I don't know, I'd have to check."

"Oh, go right ahead. Hey, your hands are kind of cold!"

"Sorry," Itachi grinned. "But yeah, they feel right. They even jiggle right! What about the rest?"

"I don't know..."

"Well, let's find out!"

The white-eyed ex-boy unbuttoned his/her pants, reached around inside. "Hey, I think I got it right!"

"You think?"

"I'm not so sure..."

"Well, you have an innie instead of an outie now, right?"

"Seems that way?"

"You might be onto something. Got your hotspots straight?"

"I have hotspots?"

"Yeah, a few of them." Seeing the other's blank expression, Itachi forced a sigh to cover up the grin, the leer, and the cackle. "I really should ask you to dinner first..."

"Dinner sounds like fun. But right now, I need to figure out if I have this right. Hey, whoa, your hands are freez- _Whoa!_"

"Guess you do!"

"Do that again!"

"But what about dinner?"

"I've got to be sure all this stuff works properly first, don't I?"


	43. Fluff is War

The pair huddled together inside her house, watching from the window as Sasuke marched his mirror up and down the street.

"That was close," Sakura breathed.

"It's really something I would definitely prefer to avoid," Gaara agreed.

"Me too!" came another voice, from behind them.

Sakura gaped. "Jiraiya?"

"It seemed like the safest place to hide," the perverted sannin shrugged. "I'm really surprised that Lee and Naruto didn't follow you in, though, too."

Sakura looked down. Gaara scowled, muttered almost to himself. "Lee and Naruto... It's going to get annoying if they try to show up later."

"Yeah," she agreed. "We might need to find somewhere else to-"

Gaara cut her off. "Play Twister."

She blinked. "Yeah, Twister."

Jiraiya raised an eyebrow.

"If we _play Twister_ here," Gaara said, emphasizing the words a little too much, "then we have to worry about them walking in the door, or peeking in the window, or listening outside to whatever noise you might make, or–"

"Me! I'm not the only one that made noise there!"

"You definitely made the most noise, though!"

Sakura glared, pointed a finger in his face. "I definitely remember you making enough noise for the both of us when I -"

He caught her wrist and pulled it out of the way, his other hand settling at her hip. "Just because I'd never had anyone do that before-"

"See if I _ever_ lick–"

Jiraiya coughed.

They blinked at him. "Twister," said Sakura, lamely.

"Indeed." The sannin stomped his foot. "Damn it!"

"You ok?"

"Yes," said Jiraiya.

"No," hissed Gaara. "What's wrong with my face?"

Sakura had to peel his hands out of the way to see. "Um... You're blushing."

"I what?"

"You turned red." She giggled. "It's kind of cute, actually."

"I haven't blushed since I was a child!" He glared at them. "Something's wrong."

"I suppose it's a social standard to be embarrassed when..." Jiraiya gave a thoughtful pause. "_Certain things_ come to light."

Sakura's blush put Gaara's to shame. "It's... I... We..."

"You know, I thought your game of Twister was awfully good inspiration for my next novel when I was out there before."

Two sets of green eyes watched him like he was contagious.

"So if I sat outside the window again while you two, erm, continued your game, then I could be inspired while I kept watch for any company that might prove to be awkward."

The pair gave each other considering looks. Finally, Sakura's mouth twitched into an almost-smile. "I don't think the couch would survive a second time."

"Think we should drag your mattress out?"

"You'd just cover it in sand, so there's no point."

"I guess that's a yes," Jiraiya smiled.

Once the coast was clear, a gleefully grinning Jiraiya departed with promises to return later on that night. Out-cornered into an earlier rendezvous than she had planned, Sakura watched Gaara's facial expressions go from disturbingly cheery to painfully disturbed, then back again.

"Hey, you ok?"

"Yeah. I think."

"I know you don't sleep and all, but do you even have a place to stay while you're in Konoha?"

"That's perfect! I really think we should move in together!" His sudden smile was too wide, eyes too bright.

"What?"

"I don't know! What was that?"

"You're the one that said it. Don't ask me!"

His hands went to his head as he grimaced, leaning forward. "Something's not right. Something's really not right." Snapping straight up, he grabbed her arm. "I need fresh air. Walk. Now."

"But Itachi, and Sasuke, and Kakashi, and–"

"Getting in my way at the moment wouldn't be good for any of them."

The streets were still too confining. However, by the time they found a picturesque hilltop overlooking the village, where fading sunlight lengthened shadows and colored the sky orange, it seemed to be a little easier to breathe. Sakura watched him cautiously as she pulled her hand from his grasp. "You didn't have to bring me, you know."

"I felt like it," he grumped.

"You like having me around."

Something shivered across his shoulders, and he grinned maniacally. "I wanna pick you flowers! Flowers! Pretty ones!"

She gaped. "Maybe I was wrong, and you really just want to scare me off."

"What am I _saying?_"

"I don't know! All I know is I love you!"

"Hell with me! What are _you_ saying?"

"I don't know! Let's be together for-mmgph!" Sakura effectively cut herself off by clamping hands down over her own mouth.

"I love you too! Oh my god, what is _wrong_ with us!"

They each took a few steps back, expressions equally terrified.

Finally, breathing hard, Gaara tried to be coherent. "But you can't love me yet."

"I know," she said, fists clenching. "Sex isn't love. And lust isn't love. And let's get marrie-mggf!" Her hands firmly planted back over her mouth, she glared at him as though whatever was going on was all his fault.

"And I haven't done anything anywhere close to noble or good or unselfish or even especially admirable so far here besides killing the Mary Sue. I haven't even been around for long enough to grow on you. So you've got no reason to decide you're in love with me even though I'm completely and totally in love with – No!"

This time he saw when her eyes shifted from horrified to fever-bright. "But you've changed! In, like, a day!"

"The hell I have! _Years_ of therapy couldn't help me! I'd get out and still want to rip Sasuke's skin off before beating him to death with it, just on principle!"

"I know! I know! What's going_ on?_" she wailed.

"We're going out! I don't know! You're my girlfriend! I hate myself! Let's have bunches of babie- _Oh god somebody **kill me!"**_

Her breath slowly hissed through her teeth as she turned. "I might have figured it out..."

Panting, he looked in the direction she pointed to see... "The sunset?"

"Gratuitous, poorly written sunset scene."

"Oh my god, what the _fuck?_"

"Why are you speaking in letters?"

"I what?"

"I distinctly heard you say the letters o, m, g –"

"No!" He whirled, snarling. "_No!_ I will not use chatspeak, I will not make a damned mushy idiot of myself, and I will not, _will not,_ **_will not_** decide that I can't live without you after less than a day!"

"Good!"

"Good!" Gaara grimaced, then sneered. "That was sickening. I've got to go yell at someone over this. And if that doesn't work, and I still don't feel like me, I'll watch Fight Club a bunch of times and drown a litter of kittens."

"Good!" She stopped nodding suddenly, face falling. "Wait, what?"

"Never mind. I'll come back me and that's all that matters."

He was halfway down the hill when she called out to him. "Hey! Don't we get a gratuitous make-out-against-a-tree scene?"


	44. God Mode

Chuck Palahniuk/Fight Club reference at the . No, I don't own Chuck Palahniuk either.

●●●

"_You."_

Eep!

"May I ask," Gaara snarled as he strode forward, "what you fucking think you're doing?"

Hey! No, wait! You stay right over there, Mr. Sandy-pants!

"You have a whole lot of explaining to do. _Now._"

Oh, you mean the last thing. Yeah, there's a reason I'm not a good matchmaker. I have this bad habit of just smashing people together.

"No, I mean the . . . The . . ." He shook his head, teeth bared. "That was horrible! And humiliating!"

Well, yeah. Guess I should have warned you that I'm experimenting with god-awful styles, huh?

"It would have been _kind_ of you," came the sarcastic reply. "It would have been much, much better had you just left me out of it completely."

What'd I say before about dignity?

"That doesn't mean I have to appreciate it. _At all."_

Be glad I can't play with the horrible spelling ones without running the risk of deletion.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

Another experiment.

"No! Don't you even think about—"

Gaara's POV!

My hands twitched, teeth gritted. And the only person in front of me, surrounded by UPS boxes, apparently couldn't be killed. But she could definitely be snapped at. "What kind of rough transition was that?"

"It was an experiment, like I said," she grinned. "I wanted to see what the mystique was of telling rather than showing the changes in point of view. But I must say, I still don't get it."

"Why are you doing this? You're a writing elitist of the worst kind! You spend hours upon hours editing your own stuff—it's positively unhealthy! What kind of satisfaction could you possibly derive from this sort of thing? And what the hell is that?"

The girl pulled a long coat from one of the boxes and shook it out. "It's Auron's costume from Final Fantasy X."

"That had better not be for me."

"No, not you. Don't worry. It'd clash horribly with your hair. But anyway, how'd that tree thing work out?"

"As the reason for the problem, it is apparently my duty to take a pair of tweezers and pick the bark bits out of her back when I'm done here. Trees apparently aren't the best things for... that sort of activity."

She pointed and cackled.

I growled under my breath. Once I was done here, I'd find something or someone to maul. Like the Uchiha. Or my brother. Or some random poor idiot that happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. "I just realized how much you avoided my question."

"Oh, yeah. Satisfaction with horrible writing. Want to see?"

"I don't know if I want to—" Woah, what the hell?

"Omniscient Narrator Mode. Read: God Mode. Basically, you take over for me while I unpack."

God Mode?

"Hey, don't get any ideas."

But I want to see if the sunset did anything to anyone else!

Sasuke and Naruto faced each other in the abandoned training field, the sun's last rays illuminating their tense, arguing features.

"I hate you!" shouted Naruto.

"I hate you too!" Sasuke yelled back.

For each of them, being directly in the other's face seemed like the thing to do. That way, their exclamations seemed louder.

"I hate you more!"

"I hate you the most!"

The light dimmed surely, though slowly.

"I hate you! I love you!"

"I love you! I hate you!"

The two lurched forward at the same time, bodies colliding, lips meeting, hands grasping.

The sunlight was suddenly gone.

"_Oh my god!_" shrieked Naruto. "_I **kissed** you!_"

That was horrible, yet strangely comforting.

"Hey, no abuse of God Mode. That wasn't nice of you."

I did that?

"Well, yeah."

I'm gonna do it again!

In the street beside a horrified Gai, Lee tried to commit suicide by stabbing himself repeatedly in the ear with a fork.

"Hey, cut it out!"

But I'm having fun!

Kankurou's day seemed to be getting a little better. He'd talked Tenten into giving him her name, then into dinner, and was finally working hard for a first kiss. She leaned in towards him, eyes shining and lips parted, a hand reaching out to lightly rest on his chest . . . then froze.

Looking down, he suddenly saw that his black outfit was suddenly white, with huge pink and orange polka-dots. Something obscured his vision, and he reached up to find that his becoming little cloth horns had morphed into giant, floppy rabbit ears.

He was a clown.

Tenten covered her mouth with her hand in both horror and hilarity, then turned and bolted.

"Hey! No more!"

But this is great! Why not!

"Because this isn't so you can play bumper cars with characters, it's so you know what I'm up to!"

What _are_ you . . . Oh, no. You're actually starting to take this thing seriously. You're out to work the social and fanfic commentary angles as much as the humor angle.

"I think I always was, but now a little more attentively so. But yeah. Sorry. Hey, wait—you didn't have to go and tell everyone, though! And that's my script! Give it back!"

Hey, I didn't sign on for this! You were supposed to end this monstrosity after Sasuke's song and dance sequence! And look at you, you've got _how much more_ of it planned out?

"Don't grump, it'll be fun."

I refuse. I'll finish this thing right now. Gotta think of an ending... No, that won't work. And that's dumb. And that's— Hey, if I'm still an omniscient narrator, why can't I think of how this will end?

"Because I'm in the middle of revoking your privileges. You can't be trusted."

Hey! _Hey!_ No! I like this!

"You liked twenty-five too, and you couldn't be trusted with it either."

You mean _you_ couldn't be trusted!

"I . . . You . . ." She halted the stuttering with a snarl. "You! Hold still!"

No! I know what that means! Get away from—

_Poof!_

Gaara stopped backing up, mouth working, fists clenching. "Why, you . . . You _suck!_"

Hey, it's not my fault that the gist of all of your endings involved yourself, a throne, and a pink-haired harem.

"That's completely beside the— Gah! I hate you!"

Not turning you back.

"But you owe me. You completely owe me."

You're not getting a harem, either.

"Not that," he huffed.

And you're definitely not going to be twenty-five again. Hey, don't give me that look. Stop growling and think of something else.

"I want another good scene."

That's more reasonable. Give me a little while and I'll see what I can do.

"Good." He watched the unpacking uneasily for a few moments, then spoke up again. "But aside from putting me in charge, those experimental things are not cool."

It seriously hurts me to pull transitions like that. My one friend wants me to take on the wangsty poetry next, but I'm afraid it would be too painful.

"Painful for you? That hilltop scene was painful for me!"

You wanna see pain? Swing by the gym tonight and see the guys there. Now _that's_ pain. 

Gaara's eyes narrowed. "I don't trust you. And that sounded vaguely familiar. How worried should I be?"

Only a lot.


	45. Burning Brain Cells

**Warning! Gratuitously painful "poetry" ahead!**

●●●

The meeting, Kiba decided, hadn't been so bad after all. He'd gotten lots of pamphlets and tons of information, and was beginning to stockpile a list of things he'd have to do to make sure people knew he really didn't have a drinking problem.

Even if the group had convinced him to admit to it, anyway.

But the pamphlets were definitely thought-provoking. Intending to share an intriguing snippet, he called out to his companion. "Hey, Akamaru!"

The small dog flattened his ears to his head.

"Hey, Akamaru. You ok?"

Akamaru tucked his tail a little tighter between his legs and edged further away.

Kiba sighed. Who knew dogs wouldn't take well to kissing?

"I didn't mean it, buddy?"

And if Akamaru hadn't wanted to take a bubble bath with him, then hey, that was understandable too, right? Dogs and bubbles didn't ever seem like they mixed too well, after all.

"Problems, Kiba?"

The Inuzuka looked up to see his jounin instructor, Kurenai. "Well, kind of. I accidentally upset Akamaru." Turning back to his not-quite-best friend, he grinned hopefully. "I'll make it up to you, ok? We can go home and I can feed you some beef! Nice, hot beef! How's that sound?"

A canine whine and distrustful look were his only responses from that corner.

"Actually, Kiba," Kurenai frowned. "It sounds kind of dirty. What'd you do?"

Kiba turned his full attention to her, then grinned and started digging through his pamphlets. "Hey! I knew I'd seen that before!"

She blinked, confused.

"You have red eyes!"

"Yeah, I do."

"Does that mean you're an alcoholic, too?"

Kurenai's cheek twitched violently. Only Kiba's innocent expression as he turned back to Akamaru prevented her from pounding his impudent head against the ground.

"How about when we get home, I give you a bone? A nice big one! How's that- Hey, where are you going?"

With a patter of paws on cobblestones, Akamaru took off.

"That's not cool at all," sighed Kiba.

"You must have really upset him," she said.

"Yeah, I guess I did. But now..." He sighed, face twisting woefully. "But now he's gone and left me!"

"It'll be ok," she tried, but Kiba cut off any further thought of hers by breaking into... Prose?

"Oh, Akamaru!  
How I miss you!  
But you've left me all alone!  
I was only going to feed you a bone!  
But now I'm alone  
And I think you went home  
And–"

"Stop it! _Stop it!_" Kurenai shrieked, covering her ears with her hands. "That's horrible!"

"You just don't understand my style!"

"Your..." She grabbed double handfuls of her hair, bit her tongue. "Ok, we'll work on things. How about we work on flow instead of rhyme?"

"But poetry has to have a rhyme in it!"

Before she could try to explain otherwise, he took a deep breath. His rapid inflation was the only warning she had before he started again.

"My dog's done run away and left me,  
And now I've got no one to love..."

"The hell? You're writing country music now?"

"Don't stifle my creative spirit!"

"I'm not stifling! I'm trying to help you!"

"I don't need your help! I'm fine the way I am!" Kiba took another deep breath and started to bellow.

"Under my hair I have a brain,  
And my brain makes thoughts!  
Torturous thoughts! Terrible thoughts!  
I can not continue to live with thoughts like these!"

Frantically, Kurenai searched her person for a spork. _Someone_ was going to lose an eye or two. Or maybe get a spork lobotomy.

"Unreciprocated love is my bane!  
It puts me through so much pain!  
Oh, Akamaru!  
I wish to only be with you!"

"Whoa." The just-found spork fell from nerveless fingers and clattered to the ground.

Kiba sighed, refreshed. "That was great! Very cathartic."

"I think I want to go purge myself too, just not quite in that manner."

"Ok! I'm gonna go find Akamaru, so you have fun with that!"

Kurenai picked up her spork, watching his retreating back with a detached sort of horror. She may not have been an alcoholic when that conversation had started, but she might damn well become one by the end of the night.


	46. Angst, Woe, and Bleach

Reference to Chuck Palahniuk's Fight Club at the .

●●●

Lee came to him for everything: training, advice, inspiration, and most importantly, a role model. Unfortunately, Gai had found that when Lee came to him with questions about sex, then it was a little more difficult to help him.

"Well, Lee," he tried, as they walked. "It's when two people that really love each other—"

"But what if they don't really love each other?"

"Well, um, it's for the best if they both do." He'd keep his student out of trouble! Everyone knew that his morals were the best in Konoha, and he'd be damned if he didn't pass them off to Lee in proper form!

"But what if they don't?"

"Then... That's really not as good. But it's when two people that should really care about each other—"

"What if the one person said they loved the other, and the other didn't love them back that way?"

If this was that skinny little bundle of pink fluff's fault, he'd have a few choice words for her! And Kakashi, on principle. Or maybe he'd arrange to have the man wake up with a goat the next time.

"Well, Lee, that's usually what we call unreciprocated love. And may I mention that it's not a good thing to—"

"You said that already, Gai-sensai!"

Gai straightened, glared. If it wasn't for that disturbing fork incident in the street a while back, he would have to of started swinging. "I'm trying to make sure the message gets through to you!"

"Believe me, it has!"

The wide-eyed, tortured expression on Lee's face said that Gai's lesson was delivered a little too late. "All right, then. Two people have sex to show their love for each other, but as you should know the act itself is for the purpose of procreation. And—"

Lee yelped. "I might have a baby!"

There were apparently some things that needed to become public knowledge, that instant.

Ahead of them, in front of a new, blocky gray building, a shadowed someone held up a sign.

"You did already, didn't you?"

A nod.

"Lee, who was the girl?"

"There wasn't a girl!"

He blinked. Then blinked again, hard. "You told a guy you loved him?"

"No, Sasuke told me he loved me!"

Gai would have dropped right there, but the voice calling out to them pulled him from his faint.

"Hey, are you two here for the meeting?"

Kakashi's eye scrunched in what may have been a grin as he waved his sign. Hand-written on it was the title _Remaining Men Together: Dealing with Accidental Same-Sex Sex!_

"I am!" cried Lee, leaping forward.

Because he perversely needed to know what had happened, Gai followed.

●●●

Kakashi leaned his sign up again one of the empty chairs that ringed a half-empty box of donuts. "I got lucky," he said. "I got the gym right after AA let out, so we get coffee too!"

Gai tried for the coffee pot, but was hurried away impatiently by his Eternal Rival. "Come on, come on! We're about to start!"

_I think we broke him,_ the other jounin thought as he settled into a chair. Kakashi and Lee continued to stand, the box of donuts between them.

"I had sex with Sasuke and it was _awful!_" wailed Lee.

"I had sex with Iruka and I told him I loved him and I don't remember a bit of it!" howled Kakashi.

"Sasuke told me he loved me and then started singing the Time Warp!"

"Iruka said he loved me and that we had sex on my dresser!"

They lunged into each other's arms. Sprinkles and frosting coated their feet as the last of the donuts were trampled.

After a few minutes, the sobs died down a little.

"Are we still men?" gasped Kakashi.

"Yes, we're men," replied Lee, then sniffled. "Men is what we are." 

Gai clamped a hand down over his twitching left eyebrow.

"I think I might be pregnant," whimpered Lee.

The copy-ninja petted his hair sympathetically. "Oh, no, that's horrible..."

_What? _"Lee! You can't be pregnant. You're a guy!"

"So?"

"So you don't have the necessary organs to even become pregnant! And even if you did somehow magically manage to get pregnant, you'd never be able to actually have a baby. It'd essentially be an ectopic pregnancy! You'd hemorrhage to death long before you got anywhere close to term!"

"That's not encouraging," said Kakashi.

"But it's _not possible_ for a guy to have a baby."

Lee blinked, turned huge wet eyes to him. "You're sure?"

"One hundred percent sure." Gai flashed the good-guy pose, just for emphasis.

_But now for the not-so-good-guy part._ "And Kakashi, I'm afraid that this morning with Iruka..." He swallowed hard, sighed. "Was just a joke."

"Yes!" cried Kakashi. "I know!"

"You know?"

"Yes! A horrible joke, played on me by fate!" Kakashi shook his fist skyward. "Ah, fate! How I hate you! Oh, how I blame you for my suffering!"

"Kakashi, I didn't mean that kind of joke at all."

Lee took up a matching position beside the copy ninja, pointing at the ceiling. "Yes! Were it not for fate, I would have avoided the horror and trial of my first sexual experience! Oh, fate!"

"Oh, indeed!" Kakashi blinked, then smacked himself in the forehead. "Damn it all!"

Gai tried again. "No, Kakashi, I meant that it was a joke. Iruka... and I decided that it would be fun to –"

"Both Iruka _and_ you? Oh, woe! Oh, horror!"

Lee joined in the cries. "Oh, pain! Oh, angst!"

"Oh, lost innocence!"

"Oh, mortal agony!"

"Oh, someone kill me!"

"Good idea," Kakashi said. "But I was thinking more along the lines of cutting. It's less final, more pitifully cry-for-helpy, and—Hey, wait, who was that anyway?"

Gaara leaned against the doorframe, expression twisting violently. He looked like he wasn't sure whether to laugh or run.

_Someone else that's scared by them! _Disturbed by how relieved he was to see the Sand ninja, Gai bounded to his feet and headed over. "Hey, why are you here?"

"Someone told me I should see this." They both glanced over to where Lee and Kakashi were debating the angst factor of attacking themselves with staple guns and permanent markers. "I think they're sick."

"I don't know what to do for them."

"We can always put them out of their misery?"

From off to the side, the chorus picked up again.

"Oh, angst!"

"Oh, woe!"

Gai shook his head. "Right now they'd appreciate it, and I want them to look back on this moment sometime in the future and wonder what they could _possibly_ have been thinking. I then want to remind them of what happened on a fairly regular basis, in public."

"You're twisted. I like that."

The older man chuckled, then sighed. "Wish I knew how to get them to shut up, though."

Black-ringed eyes narrowed, considering. "I might have an idea. But if it doesn't work, we'll need to find some kittens, and a bucket."

"A bucket?"

"Yeah. Of bleach."

●●●

Sakura was just starting to consider wearing something provocative when the knock sounded at her door. Opening it, she found Gaara, flanked by Lee, Gai, and Kakashi.

Gaara gave her his best 'I'm not a psycho' smile. "Hey, want to watch a movie?"


	47. On So Many Levels

Leia and Hutt-type references are Star Wars ones, while "Grasshopper" is from Kung Fu (the old tv series). Do I really need to note that I don't own them?

●●●

Kankurou was relieved that his appearance had finally turned back to normal. Otherwise, he didn't think that the man in front of him would be able to take him seriously.

"I don't know what's going on in there," the Akimichi family's patriarch said, as he shot a puzzled glance to the stairs leading to Chouji's room. "He came home a little while ago wearing some feathery thing around his neck and with fourteen girls following him. They picked up this big box that came in the mail today and locked themselves in his room, and less than five minutes later all you could hear were giggles."

"Think I can still go talk to him?"

"I don't see why not. Just tell me if there's anything I need to know about, ok?"

The feminine giggles and scattered shrieks died out as the Sand shinobi knocked on the door. Feet pattered, something slammed, and something else clunked before he heard Chouji clear his throat. "Um, come in?"

The box Chouji's father had mentioned lay emptied and mauled in the middle of the room. The holes torn in it looked like they'd been made by wild animals. Chouji himself sat on the edge of his bed, knees locked together, hands clasped in his lap. His posture immediately relaxed, though, once he saw who his visitor was. "Oh, it's you. Hi!"

Kankurou nodded his greeting, closed the door behind him. "Hey, I've got a question for you. You see, I have this problem–"

"Oh!" exclaimed Chouji. "It's ok now, girls! You can come out!"

Females poured out from under the bed, from in the closet, from behind the door. One even dropped from where she'd been holding herself up, spider-like, in the corner of the room behind him. All were wearing the same... Outfit?

If you counted the metal bodice and almost lack of a skirt as an outfit, that was.

The younger boy noticed his expression as a handful of the girls piled onto the bed around him, arranging themselves into various positions of indolence. "Yeah, this box arrived today. Don't know where it came from, but apparently it was really for them."

Kankurou picked up the order form from the floor at his feet. "Princess Leia Slavegirl outfit? What's—" He cut off, shaking his head.

"It's that, apparently." Chouji gestured towards the girl beside him, who was trying desperately to make the scrap of skirt cover the necessities. "There were a handful of chains and a big furry pelt in there, too. The pelt had a note, something about a Hutt throne, but I don't have a throne. I might just use it as a rug."

"Actually, I have a question for you. From one big-boned guy to another."

Chouji's expression became solemn, his position an attempt at dignity. "Ask what you will, Grasshopper."

Kankurou drew back, offended. "Grasshopper? Do I look like a bug to you?"

"No, no. Not at all. I just always wanted to say it."

"Well, cut it out, before I strangle you with one of those chains."

"Ok." He sighed. "Anyway. What was the question?"

"How do you get girls to like you?"

"Well, there's lots of things. First, you've got to be yourself. Chicks like honest guys. What works the best, I think, is to find out what they like and let them have it. Like with them; they like me, and here I am!"

Kankurou pressed fingers to his forehead, sure that he'd have to go out and buy aspirin later. "The only things I know she likes are Italian food and smut," he sighed.

"Oh, this is about Tenten!"

"Yeah," he grumbled. "Things were starting to look up again, but then I turned into Ninja Bunny Fufu. For no reason I can understand, too!"

Chouji frowned. "That's not good. At least you have an idea of where to start to get back in her good graces, though?"

"Italian food and smut?"

"Well, yeah! Plus..." He glanced around, then stood. "As a brother in big-boned-ness, I shall teach you my ultimate girl-pleasing technique!"

Unsure, Kankurou backed up a step as Chouji turned on some music. "The hell is this?"

"The ultimate technique of the Akimichi clan. You're going to learn how to dance. This is clubby, bass-y...An easy start. Eventually we'll work up to harder songs. If you can strip to 'Build Me Up, Buttercup,' you shall be a big-boned god among mortals!"


	48. Durdenettes

For those few who have not seen Chuck Palahniuk's Fight Club yet, I'm sorry. The references are obvious enough here—but if necessary, email me and I'll forward a brief synopsis.

●●●

Eventually, they got Lee and Kakashi to sit still for long enough to turn the movie on. Gai planted a chair slightly behind where they were seated on the floor, leaving the couch at his rear left to the unofficial couple. The pink-haired girl took a spot on the floor in front of Gaara, between his knees. Not forgetting his new duties, he tugged the back of her t-shirt up around her shoulders and went to work picking out the small splinters and pieces of bark she had missed.

_We really picked the wrong tree,_ he thought.

Gai turned halfway around to shoot them a curious look, and they grinned at him. "Training," she said, at the same time as Gaara said "She fell."

"While training," she elaborated, giving Gaara an over-her-shoulder glare.

Their jounin observer raised an eyebrow but didn't comment. Thankfully, Lee and Kakashi were too engrossed in the Ikea lifestyle to notice. After a while, it was done.

"Snack?" she offered quietly.

"I'll get it."

Lee and Kakashi didn't look up when he put a bowl of popcorn between them. Gai accepted his bowl with a nod and murmured thanks, while Sakura accepted the last one with a smile, resting an elbow on his leg as he re-settled behind her.

When she handed the bowl up to him before he'd done more than think about reaching for it, he realized it.

"Hey," he whispered in her ear. "Notice anything weird?"

"Your movie's weird," she whispered back.

"Not that." He tried to think of a different way in. "Popcorn's not too filling. What should we do for real food later?"

She gave his knee a squeeze. "Well, it'll probably be too late to go out, so I guess we could cook something here."

"Sounds good to – Wait! Do you see it yet?"

Sakura twisted halfway to him, straining to keep her voice down. "See what?"

"We're in a _relationship._" The last word came out a hiss.

She blanched. "Does this mean we have to get all weird?"

"I really hope not."

"Hey, if you just realized that we're in a relationship, shouldn't you be running like hell now?"

He snorted. "If I run, you won't put out."

"Good point." Her left hand crept up from his knee, along the inside of his thigh, her breath tickling his ear. "This movie, though. I don't get it."

Slim fingers made a leap, an experimental squeeze.

"Keep it up and you will," he growled.

Eventually, far too long later as far as he was concerned, the movie was over. Hoping that nothing would require him to stand up, he watched Kakashi and Lee turn to each other. Their smiles were more than little disconcerting.

"Tyler Durden," Lee grinned. Then he cackled.

Kakashi cackled first, then grinned. "Tyler Durden."

They could have seen the next step coming from a mile away.

"Maybe I'm Tyler Durden."

"Maybe I am instead."

"Wait." Lee's eyes widened. "Maybe we're both Tyler Durden."

"Ooh. Maybe."

Gai turned to the pair behind him, ignoring how Gaara pulled Sakura back against him, how the girl's hands had quickly and primly folded into her lap. "What have you done?"

Kakashi started again. "Heh heh heh. Tyler Durden."

Lee followed. "Tyler Durden. Heh heh heh."

"I showed them a movie," Gaara shrugged. "I haven't done anything."

"This is your fault!"

"At least it's not angst and woe anymore?"

The two on the floor turned around at the sound of his voice. "Hey," said Kakashi, wonderingly. "He doesn't sleep."

Lee's face lit up. "Maybe **_he's_** Tyler Durden!"

"On second thought," Gaara sighed, "maybe I've created a monster or two." He pointed. "Guys. I am _not_ Tyler Durden. Tyler Durden _isn't real._"

They nodded understandingly, then grinned and cackled again.

The sound of Gai's palm hitting his forehead drew their attention. The paired grins only got wider as they both spoke simultaneously. "_Bob!_"

"_No,_" snarled Gai, his nice-guy shell finally broken. "I am _not_—"

Sakura cut him off. "Hey, Lee, Kakashi-sensei. If you liked the movie, go read the book."

A hand over the place where he carried his copy of Jiraiya's newest novel, Kakashi grinned ecstatically. "There's a book?"

"Yeah. How about you go get it? Like, now?"

She mouthed the words _Good luck_ to Gai as he dejectedly followed the two out of the house, then stood as he closed the door behind him. Hands reached for her hips, but she avoided them, then turned to face her _extremely_ agitated lover. She gave a mock gasp at his expression, at the low rumble coming from somewhere in his chest, and bolted. He was on her before she made it three steps.

●●●

Gai had to hand it to the girl: she was sneaky. By the time they had left, the bookstores in Konoha were closed or closing. By the time the trio figured this out they had already dashed all over the city, and his patience was wearing very thin.

A familiar figure, heading resolutely towards some mysterious destination, caught his attention. Jiraiya paused and approached, though, as Kakashi and Lee started bludgeoning each other. Again. For the eleventh time in the past half hour.

"Um, Gai, what's—"

"Don't ask. Just don't ask."

The sannin sighed. "I thought I didn't want to know."

Something else had been bothering him that night, though. "Jiraiya, I actually have a question for you. Have you noticed anything strange going on between Gaara and Sakura?"

The other man blinked and assumed a cautious expression for all of a second, then grinned. "Well, I'd say that those two are . . . becoming closer."

Gai smiled, feeling more like himself than he had for a long while. "Ah, the power of youth conquering all!"

Behind him, Lee repeatedly slammed his knee into Kakashi's ribs. Kakashi countered with an uppercut to the boy's stomach, and the two started grappling like a drunken pair of hockey players.

Jiraiya beamed. "Yes, young love has its advantages. I would love to stay and talk, but I'm afraid I have a date to keep."

"A lucky lady?"

"Not quite. I'm working on the next novel." The white-haired man gave him a leering grin and a wave before departing. When Gai turned away from his retreating back to re-locate the two most obsessive movie fanatics he'd ever seen, he realized that they were gone.


	49. All You Need Is Pasta

Kung Fu reference at the Grasshopper.

●●●

Fangirls were weird, Kankurou decided. During the hours where Chouji tried to teach him how to dance they hadn't stopped pouring out copious amounts of praise, but he couldn't help but feel that he didn't truly deserve it. He was pretty sure they'd give as exuberant a response to a dancing, flaming, headless chicken. It didn't have to mean he was _good._

But Chouji... Chouji obviously _was_ a big-boned god among mortals.

And some day, if he was lucky, he could be one too.

Or maybe it involved getting that one-handed unbuttoning thing down right.

Either way, Chouji's weird habits of calling him Grasshopper and trying to get him to snatch a pebble out of his hand while doing a rear diagonal spin into a boogie roll really had to go.

And to think the other boy really expected him to put his newfound skills to use so soon!

Screw it. Cheering fangirls or no, he didn't feel sure enough of himself to immediately attempt stripping for Tenten. He'd buy her a dirty book instead.

And there was the guy who happened to be the source of said novels, sitting with his back against a vaguely familiar-looking building, apparently hard at work. Jiraiya glanced up as he approached, then thudded his elbow off of the wall behind him twice.

Confused, the Sand-nin continued forward. The older man's expression shifted to worried as he repeated his gesture, this time harder.

But the two inside apparently couldn't care less, matched cries rising in both pitch and volume. Kankurou had never heard someone scream his brother's name before except in terror, and could honestly say that he never wanted to hear it in this sort of situation again.

He glared down at the blatantly abashed Sannin, completely forgetting that the other man could probably crush him while blindfolded and without the use of his legs. "There's _no way in hell _you can try to tell me that's Twister."

But it clicked even as he stomped away. Italian food and smut. He didn't have to dance. All he needed was spaghetti.


	50. Fanatics and Felonies

Kakashi marched around in the center of the circle, glad that his sharingan also gave him the ability to instantly memorize movie quotes. "All right, listen up! The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club! The second rule of Fight Club is you do **_not talk_** about Fight Club!"

Multiple sets of eyes watched him, some curious, some dispassionate. Two individuals seemed worried.

Thejounin continued. "Only two to a fight. No shirts, no shoes. Fights will last as long as they have to." He glanced around, grinned. "And if it's your first night at Fight Club, you have to fight."

Pakkun raised a paw. "Isn't this animal cruelty?"

"People get arrested for this," Gai added.

"But they're here because they want to be here," Kakashi frowned.

"We're here because you summoned us," Pakkun sighed. The other dogs around him nodded.

"It's only a good clean fight?"

"It's a felony. I'm out. Call me back and I'll call PETA." The small dog stood and trotted off.

Kakashi looked at Gai. "Looks like it might just be us, then."

Konoha's Bizarre Beast pouted. "This is ridiculous."

"It'll be fun."

"I wish I had found Lee instead. I really hope he's ok, and not doing something like this." Worry for his beautiful, most favorite student made Gai's pout deepen into a scowl.

A cajoling smile was the response. "Eternal Rivals?"

"I refuse to claim an insane man as my Eternal Rival."

"Seriously. Hit me."

The other's eyebrows twitched as he considered.

_Lee will be ok,_ he thought. _He has enough sense to not get into a fight because of something he saw in a movie! _

_Right?_

"Come on. I want you to hit me as hard as you can."

"Well, if you put it that way..."

* * *

Meanwhile...

Cradling the hat box as if it was the most precious thing in the world to him, Shikamaru looked around for his girls. Neither could be found, which could mean anything.

Maybe they were waiting for him at home.

Maybe they were looking for the cane.

Maybe they had finally decided to leave him for each other.

Maybe he shouldn't think of all of the possibilities.

A figure slipped out of the shadows to his side, glided forward to stand beside him. Their murmur was incomprehensible.

Shikamaru glanced over, took in the strange smile and slightly slouched posture, noting how their hair covered their eyes. "What?"

Whatever they said still couldn't be understood, even though he leaned in.

"One more time. What was that?"

Lee finally looked up with a feral smile. "On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero."

The other boy yelped as Konoha's taijutsu specialist lunged for his throat.


	51. Need for Understanding

They'd found Kiba, but Hinata and Shino promptly abandoned him after the second time he broke into verse. Now, not quite willing to go home just yet, the pair wandered the streets, joking with each other until the day's oddness didn't seem so bad.

However, the day wasn't the only thing Hinata was considering as 'not so bad.'

Giggling, she nudged Shino with her shoulder. Her usually stoic teammate made an amused sound and returned the gesture.

"So," she grinned. "Why don't we ever see you with a girl?"

Shino shrugged, looked away. "Guess they don't really like me."

"I don't see why not. You've got a great grip on philosophy, you're smart, you're strong..."

The boy made a noncommittal sound and... Blushed?

_Oh, no,_ Hinata thought. _He's shy._

The prospect of someone as if not more shy than herself was wondrous. She turned to him with a near-wicked smile, noting with pleasure that he didn't back away.

"Or," she mused. "Maybe you're waiting for the girl to make a move herself?"

By the way his cheek moved, she decided that he had to be smiling. Her hand went out to examine the reaction.

"Strong cheekbones," she murmured, then traced down slightly. "Strong..."

Nope.

Fingers patted the air where his lower jaw should have been, then retracted as carefully as possible.

"Um, you've got nice eyes. Wait, can't see them because of the glasses."

"Yeah," he agreed. His hand reached out for hers, but she moved back just in time.

"I might have to- I mean, I think it's time for me to go home." Hinata waved, smiling a little too brightly as if to cover up her retreat.

"I'll see you tomorrow!" she called over her shoulder, then was gone.

* * *

Shino was thoroughly depressed by the time he got home. The impressive stack of boxes waiting for him, though, promised to make the next day better.

The first item description read: Costume – Auron, FFX

The second read: Katana – Masamune, FFX

But it was what was in the last box that would really turn things around.


	52. Deep, Deep Trouble

If you don't know what the acronym is when you meet it, then _immediately_ find out. It's intrinsic.

"Hey, pervert."

Jiraiya looked up from his writing to meet a black-ringed pair of green eyes. "Yes?"

"We're going to get something to eat in here, and then I think she's going to get to sleep." Head and bare shoulders through the window, Gaara ran a hand through his damp hair. "After a shower, of course."

"Of course." The Sannin grinned. "You remind me of myself in my younger days, you know?"

"I just hope I don't remind myself of you in my older days. Hey, what's going on up there?"

Across the street, two figures on a rooftop were trying to beat out a small blaze.

"Looks like the building is on fire?"

"Looks like . . ." Gaara growled. "Kankurou and Tenten."

"Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. Your brother walked past earlier. I tried to warn you two, but you were both beyond—"

The pair above them faded into the shadows as one kicked the flaming lump over the edge of the building. When it hit the street, it separated into a burning blanket and half-melted candle.

"Aww," hissed Gaara. "He tried to be romantic. Old man, I'm going to kill you. But first I'm going to kill him."

"Not in front of my house," Sakura called from somewhere inside.

The Sand ninja glanced back over his shoulder. "Kankurou apparently decided to use us as his date's main attraction."

"_What?_"

"His romantic mood got ruined by a romantic candlelit blanket bonfire, but yeah."

"Ok, kill him!"

"Want a shot at the old one before I get him too?"

"No. And you'll wipe out the entire area if you two start now. Maybe later."

Gaara turned back to him, teeth bared in an unsettling smirk. "I knew there was another reason I like her. She's reasonable."

Jiraiya grinned, tried to avoid wiping at his forehead. "Does this mean we can't do this tomorrow?"

"No. Even without the obvious problems, it was weird once we knew you were out here."

"I tried to be— "

"You cackled way too much."

"I thought I— "

"And if that wasn't enough, the cheering completely ruined everything."

"Sorry about that."

"Are those pom-poms?"

"It's not what you think!"

"Is there a part of your past you haven't told us about?"

"It was only one semester in college, I swear! And I never wore the skirt! Well, fine, never more than twice!"

"What?"

"Fine! More than that! But I wore my hair long and they thought I was just really flat-chested and athletic!"

Gaara sighed and slumped as his palm connected with his forehead.

"Hey, it got me into the locker rooms?"

The redhead's shoulders shook, once, before he managed to get a grip on himself again. "The only time you didn't interrupt us was when Kankurou walked by, wasn't it?"

"I really don't think I could have interrupted you two at that point unless I marched through the room beating a drum."

"And you shall never get that chance."

"Ah. Such is life." With a sigh, the white-haired man stood. "It was a pleasure working . . . well, by you."

"Never again. Now if you'll excuse me, I have things to attend to."

Jiraiya looked at the empty window for a second, then down at the full notebook in his hand. He grinned at it, then pulled three more from various pockets. It looked like he might have that novel done sooner than he thought.

●●●

He met Gai on the walk home. The man seemed more miserable than the bruises he was covered in could account for, prompting a question that Jiraiya was sure he would regret.

"Hey, are you all right?"

Gai suddenly burst into tears. "It's horrible," he bawled. "Lee . . . My beautiful, wonderful Lee . . . He's acting exactly like Kakashi!"

"What happened?"

"It's all the fault of the damned movie!"

"But how can a movie dictate how people act?"

"I don't know! But it's the movie's fault!" Gai jerked to attention, chest out, and pointed in some obscure direction. "I shall start a crusade against such movies, to prevent others from experiencing what I have witnessed tonight! I shall call my movement No Awful Movies Being Left Around!"

Jiraiya blinked. "What?"

"Yes!"

"But . . . _NAMBLA?_"

"I have an acronym? Wonderful! _Beautiful!_"

The older man dug his knuckles into his own forehead, grimacing. "I think someone already has that acronym."

"That's all right!"

"Um, no, it's not."

"I can pretend my use of their acronym was a misunderstanding, and get close to their operation! Then, I can take over their organization and convert their minions to my cause, which shall be the destruction of the perversion and horribleness that is inherent in film!"

"I'm not so sure that would work, Gai."

"Of course it would! Look at me! Whoever they are, they'll love me! I shall be the poster candidate and high ruler of NAMBLA in no time!"

"I think I might cry, Gai."

"Yes! Cry tears of joy at the wonder that shall be NAMBLA reigning supreme! But for now!" Gai's fist thumped over his heart as his chin tilted nobly to the sky. "It is time for me to begin my crusade! I shall first destroy the film that has made such horrors come to light—Fight Club!"


	53. Liposuction, Codpieces, & Inserts, Oh My

Warning, Fight Club & vague Æon Flux references! Hopefully I've explained them enough here. If not, Google Images will more than clarify things.  
Insert of my primary beta done with consent/encouragement of said beta.

* * *

Something was wrong.

Gaara couldn't quite put a finger on exactly what it was. Maybe it was just an accumulation of strangeness. Gai bashing his way through Sakura's door and whirling various electronic implements around in the air while shrieking something about profane movies had been strange. Sakura denting a cooking pot over the jounin's head before Gaara had even started to move had definitely been strange. And her asking him to take the unconscious man somewhere else _without_ requesting that Gai be found alive and breathing the next day...

Well, he _did_ think she was reasonable.

Maybe he was rubbing off on her.

Maybe she was rubbing off on him as well. Otherwise he would have only carried his burden far enough away from the house that the stink wouldn't bother them the next day before disposing of him. But no, he was still walking – walking further into Konoha, at that! – with the man draped over his shoulder. And he was considering stopping the screaming manhunt going on in front of him!

Ok, he was trying to stop it. Or at least one of the hunters.

Ok, he wasn't succeeding.

Ok, catching Lee in a desert coffin succeeded.

"What are you doing?"

Considering his situation, with only his head and extremities sticking out of a sandy cocoon, Lee grinned far too happily. "Tyler and I are going to make soap."

"Tyler?"

"Yeah, Tyler. There!"

Kakashi darted across the street and into an alleyway, chasing after a shadowy someone.

"What are you two up to? And why do you have that straw?"

"Well, to make soap, we have to render fat. And to render fat, we have to collect fat."

"You're..." He shook his head. It couldn't be possible.

"Hey, Tyler!" Kakashi's yell was partially drowned out by another's shrieks. "I've got him! Come hel- Agh!"

Moving faster than Gaara would have thought possible, Chouji barreled out of the alleyway and down the street.

"You... No. Just no."

* * *

She was definitely rubbing off on him. Otherwise he would have just killed them, or maybe tied their two unconscious bodies together and left them somewhere horrible, like Sasuke's. As it was, he was glad that the dead weight of his sand had left him strong enough to carry both of the green-clad idiots with no problem.

The training field seemed like an appropriate place to drop them. Gaara contemplated various creative positions to leave them in, then decided against it. Dinner had still been in its beginning stages when Gai interrupted them, and he was hungry. Besides, if he waited too much longer she might come looking for him.

He, of course, had no idea what was about to happen.

He'd just gotten onto a street he recognized when moonlight glinting off of the pleather outfit caught his attention. Turning towards the distraction, he was met with the sight of entirely too much pale skin.

"Haven't seen you for a while," grinned Sasuke.

"Uchiha? What the _hell _are you wearing?"

"Oh, this old thing?" Sasuke tugged at the codpiece, then winced as one of the edges dug into somewhere delicate.

"Don't do that!"

"It was in my mailbox. Had a tag, something about bondage-wear and Æon Flux."

"Does Konoha even _have_ bondage-wear?"

"Apparently so."

"Well, it looks ridiculous. I don't see how you can even walk in boots like that, and you really don't have the chest for that bra."

"Are you telling me to take it off?"

"No!"

"I could, if you wanted..."

"If you even consider taking any of that off I'll kill you right here."

"But we're perfect for each other!"

"_What?"_

"You said it yourself. We're the same. And people that are the same go great together!"

"That doesn't mean I _like_ you."

"That's ok, we can have angry sex."

It took all of Gaara's willpower to not swallow his tongue. "I will not have sex with you, angry or otherwise!"

"But we're the same!"

"We're both fucked up! What's your point?"

"You're supposed to love only yourself, but if I'm the same as you, you can love me too!"

If he covered his eyes, he wouldn't see where the Uchiha was, and keeping track of the doped-up, hormonally driven nutcase was imperative. "I most definitely can not!"

"Why not?"

"Haven't you paid the least bit of attention throughout this series? I flat out don't understand caring between two individuals._ Don't._ I don't know what love **_is._**"

Eyes shining with fanatical glee, the dark-haired boy reached out. "That's so tragic! You can learn to love me!"

"Don't you get it? I've got an incredibly twisted and hopped-up sense of self but when it comes down to it_ I don't like me!_"

Sasuke blinked, confused. "Huh?"

"Don't you remember how I continually call myself a monster? Do you really think that's healthy? Or the giant passage during our fight in the woods, when my younger self angsted enough to attract droves of fangirls? Where I tried to kill myself before I went on extensively about how miserable I was? Where, after I was told to love only myself, I distinctly said that I _will not love?"_

"You said that?"

"Don't tell me you missed that part!"

Sasuke's eyes widened dramatically as his hands clasped at his chest. "You angsted?"

"I can't believe you missed it!"

"That's so _kawaii!"_

"It's _what?_"

"You need a hug!"

"Get away from me!"

"But I think I love you!"

"I'll kill you, I swear!"

The Uchiha stopped his advance and smirked. "You can't kill me."

"Want to bet?"

"I'm a main character. I can't die unless it's by the hand of another main character in an incredibly dramatic scene, and when it comes down to it, you're still on the sidelines. It's like a soap opera. I might go into a coma, but I'd come back in eight years or so and probably find out something horrible about my parentage along the way."

"Oh, _fuck._"

"Sounds like a plan! Now, come here."

"No!"

"But you're pretty!"

"I hate you!"

"All I want to do is pet you a little bit –"

"Get back!"

"It won't be so bad. I'll even let you –"

_Poof._

Appearing directly between the two, the curly-haired girl straightened, then looked around in surprise before fixing a wide, demented leer on Gaara. "You!"

"Vanya? Vanya Starwind?" He jerked back as she took a determined step forward. "No! _No!_ Not me! Him!"

She turned, took in Sasuke's outfit, and cringed. "Oh my god. Ouch!"

Finally, Sasuke looked worried. "Gaara, who's this?"

The Sand shinobi sighed with relief. "Your fangirl."

"Sasuke-kun, you really don't have the chest to fill that thing out. And the strings from that codpiece _can't_ be comfortable! How about you and me go find something that'll... Oh, dear, you're thin. But looking at Itachi, I guess it should be expected. Maybe we can fix that, hm?"

"Gaara! You can't leave me with her!"

"Watch me."

He was alive and unmolested. Sasuke was being dragged off to what might be a fate worse than death. Somewhere, dinner might be waiting for him. And after that, someone was in unbelievably big trouble.

It might be a good night after all.

But across Konoha, all hell was breaking loose.


	54. Attack of the Sues!

Fight club tag at the Marla, but that's kind of a given for two certain individuals now.

It had taken Kakashi an hour to figure out what Gaara had done with Lee. He eventually found the boy snuggled up with his original mentor on the training grounds, drooling on the other's chest.

"Tyler! Hey, Tyler, wake up!"

"Eh?" Lee sat up groggily, rubbed some stray grains of sand off of his face. "Oh, hi, Tyler. I guess I lost the fight!"

"I guess so. Hey, let's get Bob and get home."

The two had just hoisted a still unconscious Gai to an upright position when a somewhat less than melodic voice halted them.

"Hello?"

Looking up, they saw an ethereal female in a secondhand bridesmaid's dress approaching them. Her angular face and crazed hair made her look like nothing other than a demented pixie that had gotten out of hell with a day pass.

"Hi," she said. "My name's Marla. Marla Sue."

Gai thudded back to the ground as Kakashi and Lee turned matched, delighted smiles in the Sue's direction. _"Marla!"_

●●●

Shino turned in front of the full-length mirror, examining himself. The coat and armor were pretty cool. The sword was awfully huge, though, and cut a decent slash in the floor if he tried to tuck it into his belt. The rest, though? It was different. Strange. He wasn't sure he was ready for it, but there was no turning back now.

And to think the pity of another could ever be so sweet.

Oh well. At least now he didn't feel so-

_Knock knock._

Who could it be at this hour? Hinata? He was sure he could make up for accidentally scaring her earlier.

Smiling, with Masamune over one shoulder, he opened his door. The three girls standing outside took in his appearance and began a high-pitched squealing that threatened to make his insects flee his body.

●●●

"Kitsune-boy!"

Naruto looked at the small group closing in on him, not yet knowing to be afraid. "Huh?"

"Naruto-kuuunnn!"

He took a step back. "Who are you people! And what are you— Ack! No!"

"Poor Naruto!"

"You've been so sad!"

"But we're here to help you!"

"I wanna be your girlfriend!"

"I wanna be your _mommy!_"

"You had to deal with being the Kyuubi's vessel for so long!"

"Wait! I don't tell people that I'm carrying the Kyuubi! How'd you find out about— No! Leggo of me! Aaagh!"

●●●

Still buoyed by thoughts of whatever kind of sick torture was being done to Sasuke, Gaara walked into Sakura's to find the pink-haired girl nearly at the door, facing off with . . . Herself?

One of the figures had the lithe body and wide-eyed, horrified expression he remembered. The other exuded a smug sort of sureness and looked like she had been to the plastic surgeon's. "It won't be so bad," she crooned.

"Gaara, what's going on?"

"Gaara-kun! I have missed you so!"

He hissed at the second speaker as the real one darted behind him. "Sakura, don't move. Ignore it and it might go away."

"But _what is she?_"

"It's a Sakura-Sue."


	55. Fixed, Fixing

"Hinata!"

"Naruto!"

Terror made the pair cling to each other in ways that they would never have allowed otherwise.

"It's awful!"

"My sister attacked me!"

"You have a sister?"

"Yeah! Remember, Hanabi? She was around for about thirty seconds during the chuunin exam? She's angry that I'm not stronger!"

"I've got a fan club! And they all know that I'm carrying the Kyuubi!"

"You're _what?"_

Before Naruto could answer, his six followers rounded the corner.

"Naruto-kun!"

"Why'd you run from us, Naruto-kun?"

Naruto yipped and hid behind Hinata, who tried her best to sound brave. "Stay back!"

"Ooh, it's a Hyuuga!"

"But she's not a strong Hyuuga!"

"We can tell just by looking."

Offending the future head of the Hyuuga family really wasn't a good idea. "I've been training in taijutsu for as long as I can remember! I can definitely handle you people! _Byakugan!_"

"Ooh, the byakugan!"

"I can do that too! Look! Byakugan!"

"Me too! Byakugan!"

Naruto peered over Hinata's shoulder, startled. "The hell? Hyuugas aren't blonde! Or... Those purple stripes aren't natural, right?"

"I'm better than all of you!" cried a Sue. "I can do both! _Byaringan!_"

"Mine's best of all! _Sharikugan!"_

Hinata wasn't much of one for swearing, but this seemed like a perfect time to start. "What the hell?"

"They've got both the Uchiha and Hyuuga bloodline limits? How did that happen?"

"My father was Prince Itachi of NecowaferUchihaland! My mother was a lost princess of the forgotten kingdom of Um! They met and made passionate love on a snowy hilltop!"

"I'm Itachi's missing twin sister, from when his mother was brutally assaulted by Hinata's father in a joyfully lustful union of body and spirit!"

"You're saying my father did _what?"_ Hinata gasped.

Beside her, Naruto reflected the same incredulous shock. "You're saying they had sex in the _snow?"_

The dual-bloodline Sues ignored the questions, having turned on each other.

"My past is angstier than yours! I grew up fatherless, only to find that my father is an evil, evil man who is only two years older than myself!"

"That's impossible!"

"Don't mock my past! The magical kingdom of Um is outside of the space-time continuum!" The Sue sighed dramatically, clasped hands to her chest. "And oh, woe! To find out that my father is evil, though I am still in love with him!"

"My past is far angstier! My mother had to leave me in a wolf's den to save herself from the ravages of her husband, because if he found that she had been with another she would have been forced to kill herself! I was raised by wolves, until I met Kabuto-sama, who taught me how to brush my hair and to not flaunt my wonderous curves with all the unknowing sexiness of a... um... Beast-raised voluptuous virgin!"

"Naruto, we've got to get out of here!" Hinata grabbed her companion's elbow, hoping that the Sues remained distracted by each other, but the movement caught their attention again.

"Hinata, you can't have Naruto-kun!"

"You're too much of a wimp to be with Naruto-kun!"

"I can handle them," Hinata said, setting her jaw and squaring her shoulders. However, she seemed a lot less sure of herself.

The blond boy grabbed her by the arms, shook her. "Don't let them get to you! You're strong, and they're not ninjas!"

"I passed my first chuunin exam at ten!" shouted a Sue.

"I did it at five!" cried another.

"I was a jounin at seven!"

"I was born a jounin!"

The bickering was halted as the Sues' attention turned to something behind them, only to be replaced by window-shattering squeals.

"Oh my god it's Auron!"

"It's Auron!"

"Auron's so hot!"

The two terrified teenagers turned to find Shino, Masamune settled over one shoulder. "Looks like I'm just in time."

"Look out, Shino!" Naruto called, as the bug ninja swept past them. "I think they're rabid!"

"Oh my god hottie Auron!"

"Auron's so hot oh my god!"

Hoping to get close enough to touch him, the Sues found themselves only close enough to be simultaneously cut down by Masamune's huge slice.

"Hmf." Shino pulled off his sunglasses and started wiping a small blood splatter away with his sleeve as Hinata and Naruto ran up to him.

"Wow! That was great, Shino!"

"Yeah," agreed Hinata quietly. She blushed, embarrassed for her earlier actions, before noticing that this collar was lower than his usual one. It had to be, because she could see him smiling.

Smiling?

"I got some packages in the mail," Shino explained, settling the sunglasses back into place. "The outfit, the sword, and a box marked 'plot hole.'"

"Huh?"

"The bottle that came in the box was labeled 'author's pity.'"

Naruto blinked. "What's that supposed to mean?"

The not-gloved hand reached up to tug his collar down. "I've got a little cleft in my chin!"

The Hyuuga's mouth dropped open. "Yes, you do! And... And look at that jaw. And... Oh, wow."

"I take it you approve?"

"I completely forgive you the creepy bug thing."

"Hey. Hey!" Naruto stomped, then pointed. "How did you know we were in trouble?"

"I figured something was wrong when three girls like those ones showed up at my door and started demanding that I 'capture their lips.'"

"What was that supposed to mean?"

"I thought I had it figured out, so I did. But they only got really upset and ran away."

Hinata gasped in betrayed horror. "You kissed them?"

"I was supposed to?"

"What else could you have done with their lips?"

"Capture them." Shino blinked at their blank expressions. "Well, it was three of them, and six lips." He opened one of the pouches on his belt, tilted it so Hinata and Naruto could see inside. "And now I'm waiting for them to come up with the ransom."

"Oh my god! Shino! That's disgusting!"


	56. My God, My Eyes!

Thanks to the badfic writers, the gaffers, and the horrible lemons of fanficdotnet for the inspiration. Special thanks to Smiling and Stabbing for letting me borrow her Neglected Spike muse, especially after what I did to Deacon.  
Urple warning!

* * *

"But... Why can't you just kill her?"

Gaara grit his teeth. "It doesn't work that easily."

"What do you mean? You've never had a problem with killing people before!"

Standing in the center of the room, using her amazing new talent to bend every light in the room towards herself so she was bathed in a warm and rosy glow, her stylishly cut hair shining like an angelic pink waterfall in contrast to the wicked red curve of her plump lips, the Sakura-Sue smirked.

"Because," Gaara grated. "My sand isn't working."

"_What?"_

"Get out of here, Sakura."

"Why? What's going to happen?"

"If you stay, it'll maul everything that you are beyond recognition before pretending to be you. And after that's done... Then it'll claim me."

"What? But –"

"And the next time you'll see me, I won't be myself. And then, I'll need you to kill me."

"But the armor of sand –"

"Won't work anymore. The Sue negated it."

"How?"

"This is what a Sue does. Brutal, vicious canon rape, completely beyond reason. I'd rather die than live as its' lapdog. Go. I'll hold it off for as long as possible."

"Wait – You're doing something selfless?"

"See? It's started already. Next thing you know, I'll be crying over my childhood and fawning all over it."

"But – No!" Sakura stomped and pointed at him. "What's the point of having you around if you're going to turn into a weepy subordinate bitch?!"

Gaara blinked at her, stunned.

"The point, my dear," said the Sue, with a voice like gently overflowing rivers of pricelessly glistening gems, "Is to make him be a presentable date for my talent show later on tonight." Perfectly porcelain hands clasped to her heaving bosom. "There, I shall sing and dance and prove my loveliness to all of Konoha in a spectacular exhibition of my mastery of every single one of the necessary skills for being a kunoichi!"

"What? Since when are singing and dancing necessary ninja skills?"

"I told you," Gaara said. "Beyond reason. Now run."

"I can't leave you here with her!"

"And then," continued the blithely, innocently uncaring Sue, "We shall retire to my quarters, where we shall give in to the beautiful and magical passionate telepathic bond that unites us together!"

"She wants to do what with you?"

On the verge of a psychotic break, Gaara managed to answer, albeit indirectly. "Will not have sex with the Sue... Will not have sex with the Sue... Will not have sex with the Sue... Will not –"

"She wants to _what?!_"

"No! 'To have sex' is such a crude turn of phrase. I wouldn't dream of using it." The Sue fanned herself lightly as the temperature of the room brought a becoming blush to her exquisitely sculpted cheeks. "And shortly, Gaara my sweet, you wouldn't dream of using it either. For I shall show you the beautiful person that you are inside! I shall redeem you! Soon, everyone will know how you are truly kind and generous and wonderful and loving and -"

Sakura frowned. "Are you sure you're talking about Gaara?"

"Yes! But first, before my awe-inspiring talent show, I must shower. And this shower will be the first step to tonight, where I shall willingly lay down my maidenhead to –"

"He's going to decapitate you?"

"I wish that's what it was talking about," Gaara sighed. "You obviously missed the romance novel terms part of sex ed."

"Do we even have sex ed here? I thought we were supposed to learn what we could from Itcha Itcha Paradise."

"Is that where you learned to –"

"And I will be in the shower," continued the Sue, her breathtaking speaking voice rising to cover the conversation of the others like a blanket of crushed velvet over the dull and mundane earth, "when Gaara decides to spy on me! And even though spying is terrible and offensive to me, after he has seen the delicate, hairless vee of my womanhood –"

"The wha- Woah, hairless? Is she saying she shaved her shit in _my_ shower?"

"Do we even have razors?"

"- And the rapid heaving of the turgid swelling of my luxuriously rounded and bountiful breasts –"

"Keeps it up and that's not going to be the only thing heaving," Gaara groaned.

Beside him, Sakura pressed a hand to her stomach. "How does she make words hurt like that?"

"It's called urple."

"Yet," cried the Sue, "As your azure eyes meet my orbs of purest emerald –"

"I don't have blue eyes."

Thrown off stride, the Sue stopped talking for only a second. "You don't?"

"Nope. Do your research, or better yet, watch the Forest of Death sequence again. They're green."

"So she wants to have sex with you but doesn't even know what color your eyes are?" Sakura shook her head. "That's just wrong."

The Sue's voice became somewhat more strident in her denial, resembling a slightly less beautiful bird's song than it did before. "I said that I don't call it 'having sex!' It would be the blissful surrender of my innocence to his virile masculinity! The rapturously gentle plucking of my delicate flower! The – "

Tired of odd euphemisms, Sakura turned back to Gaara. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It apparently thinks that using pretty words makes it something better than sex."

The Sue's rising exclamations were starting to resemble a beautiful seagull in their tone and timbre, her next words drawing the pair away from their discussion. "- The delightful insertion of his love shaft into my –"

Gaara choked. "The hell?"

"Your what?"

"- His quivering love member –"

"The ... **_What?!_**"

"- Aching shaft of –"

Sakura took a step back, horrified. "No! What happened to her trying to stick with pretty words?!"

Turning a decided shade of green, Gaara managed to speak. "How the hell many bad romance novels did it read?!"

"- As the joining of our wet, clasping flesh –"

"Come on, Gaara, let's get out of here!"

"Don't you see? I've already seen it. I can't go, or in ten minutes I'll just be moping in a corner about how 'I don't know why, but I can't stop thinking about it!'"

"- Into my frothing love tunnel-"

Sakura cringed. "My god... That really sounds like a personal problem. You might want to get that checked out."

"- As his cock explodes –"

Gaara gave a shriek of mortal terror and lunged behind Sakura, whose mouth worked soundlessly before she found speech again. **"_What?_"**

The Sue smiled. "It's a simple process, actually. I suppose you may refer to it in the crudely technical term of -"

"No! Boys and firecrackers do _not _mix that way!"

"- The male orgasm?" The Sue gave them her best confused look, bewildered in the innocent way of angels alighting to earth after they've gotten lost when their bus made a wrong turn because mapquest screwed up their directions again. "How did you get firecrackers?"

"Better yet, where the hell did you pick up that terminology, and how could you honestly think it's sexy?! Do you even think about what you're saying?" Reaching out to comfort the hyperventilating Sand ninja, Sakura shot an accusing glare at her overly perfect counterpart as she found a better, simpler question. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because Gaara is my one true love! I know this because I can't stop thinking about him, even though I don't know why!"

"If you don't know why, then you have no good reason to obsess over him!"

"But... But..."

As if suddenly remembering, Gaara jerked. "Logic! Logic hurts Sues!"

"I have a reason!" cried the Sue. "I can't stop thinking about him and how I crave the heat of his love juice in –"

"_Love juice?_ The hell do you think he is, an amorous orange?" Fully on the offensive, Sakura snorted. "You'd never call it _love juice_ if you'd actually _tasted _it!"

"_Tasted_ it?" The Sue paled. "You mean people would actually... Eew! That's gross!"

"Do you even have the faintest idea what you're talking about? You can't!"

"I know everything I need to know already! It will be a joyous, wondrously ecstatic occasion! Enough from you!" A dainty, pretty scowl that did nothing to mar her perfection adorned the Sue's features like bright, shining Christmas decorations, only angrier, as she faced Gaara. "Worship me! She can never command your affections like I!"

"Command?" Sakura marched forward angrily. "I don't need to command anything. I give head."

Her rival stepped back. "No! I can't hear about that! It's too crude a subject for my gentle, delicate, pink seashell-like ears! My mind shall surely collapse from the torrent of oppressive images, collecting like wicked black clouds after being spewed from the farthest, darkest reaches of the netherworld!"

Cringing at the urple but sensing weakness, the real kunoichi continued her approach, gesturing for added emphasis. "You see, for proper technique you apparently really have to use both hands –"

"No! Stop! I can't –"

"- But if you reach up under and –"

"No!"

With a hiss, Gaara's sand started moving again. Sakura beat him to the attack, though, landing a solid right cross that made sure the Sue's perfect jaw was no longer perfect. With a splat, the creature burst, leaving the girl in her immediate vicinity covered in –

"What _is_ this stuff?!" Sakura shrieked, trying to wipe the liquid off even as she was swept up and carried towards her bathroom.

"We're getting you cleaned up, _now_, before every guy in Konoha starts trying to beat down the door."

"But what _is_ it?"

"Enough Sue-strength pheromones to make an entire village fall in uncontrollable lust with you. It's a good thing you killed it. Otherwise, it might have started trying to tell me that it was going into heat next. If these had gotten out, I really would have been in trouble."

"Uncontrollable - Wait, what are you doing?"

Apparently her clothes weren't the only ones to go. Suddenly very bare, Gaara gave her his best, most evil grin. "They might take a while to wash off. I get to help."


	57. Intermission

Intermission!  
Ie, this is completely out of context with the rest of the storyline, per say, but it's here anyway.

Guess who read way too many Sue stories in one day.

* * *

"Come on, Naruto! You've got to hurry!"

"What's going on?" Being dragged into the Konohan academy's student lounge by his very determined pink-haired teammate, Naruto had no choice but to comply.

"They're doing it again!"

"Doing what? Hey, hey, Sakura-chan, what's going – Gah! It's Sasuke! He's back!"

"Yeah! And –"

"It's Gaara! What are they –"

Sasuke didn't look up as he spoke. "My warrior-Sue attacks your noble-Sue. Thirty points damage."

The Sand ninja scowled and set another card down on the floorspace between himself and his rival. "My damsel-in-distress-Sue sends your warrior-Sue off to bring her a magic crystal. Lose three turns with that character."

Naruto blinked. "They're... Playing cards?"

"Yeah," Sakura nodded. "They realized that they'd both attracted way too many Sues, and decided to try to put them to use."

"My pair of damsel-in-distress-Sues attack your remaining warrior-Sue. Ten points damage."

"My Hokage-Sue destroys your damsel-in-distress Sues and moves on to attack you." Sasuke flipped two cards over and pushed a single one forward.

"Your Hokage-Sue is blocked by my angst-Sue. Angst overruns sense. I now have two angst-Sues."

"This isn't the problem, though," Sakura explained. "**_This_** isn't bad."

"My advanced-bloodline-Sue mutates, developing another new talent. Another turn for me."

Gaara grumbled under his breath, finger absently tapping the small stack of cards in his hand.

Sasuke smirked in return. "My warrior-Sue kills your new angst-Sue."

"My from-a-mystical-new-village-Sue kills your advanced-bloodline-Sue and tickles your warrior-Sue. Four turns lost for that one." Gaara shifted, looked up. "Hey, why don't I get as many Sues that can actually fight well?"

"You still had enough to beat Kakashi?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"But Sakura," Naruto protested. "It looks like they're just having fun!"

She shook him. "For now! But give them long enough..."

Sasuke grinned. "Before dying, my advanced-bloodline-Sue imparted her abilities to me. I can now grow wings, and am therefore beyond the reach of all but my own archer-Sue."

"Wings?" Gaara sputtered. "You Saiyan-wanna-be bastard, those are **_your_** wings!"

"So what? I let you go when your tragic-past-Sue made all of my Sues cry!"

"I'm not the one knocking over everything trying to pretend I'm a hairy Japanese ninja-Batman!"

Sasuke snapped his wings closed, breaking a small vase in the process. "Hey! That coming from Mr. I-stole-my-sister's-**_eyeliner_** –"

"You inbred son of a –"

Sakura shoved Naruto towards the pair. "_You_ get to break it up this time." And then, almost to herself: "You wouldn't _believe_ what I had to do to stop them the last time..."

The yelling just got louder.

"The warrior-Sues just like you best because they think you're _pretty_ and need to be _protected_ from your brother!_"_

"Yeah, and the girly ones just like you because they think it's funny to make you _weepy!_"

"I am **_not weepy!"_**

Naruto's attention, though, was fixed on his now-blushing teammate. "What'd you have to do?"

"Nothing you need to know about."

"No, really." The grin rivaled Jiraiya's.

"_Nothing you need to know about._ Now hurry up, before they –"

The explosion as Gaara shifted shapes blew a wall out of the room. "Does this look _anything_ like weepy to you?"

"I'll **_make_** you weepy!"

"_I hate you!"_

Naruto sighed. "Do I _have_ to?"

"Yeah. Now."


	58. 1 sm3xi3 ph15h

"Hey."

Gai rolled over and curled into a ball, mumbling something along the lines of "But I don't _wanna_ wear the blue spandex!"

"_Hey."_ This time a foot nudged him.

A foot with purple-painted toenails.

With a yipe at being caught so off-guard, Gai bounded to his feet. He jumped again as he recognized who had woken him. Kisame watched his acrobatics mildly – Well, as mildly as possible for a large, toothy, blue-tinted shark man.

"You!"

Kisame blinked. "Yeah. Hey, I was wondering if-"

"You want a rematch!" Gai struck a pose. "I knew it! You could not resist the urge to battle Konoha's own Amazing, Wonderful, Beautiful, Muscular, Exceptionally Well-Endowed-"

"No, actually, I was... Did you just say what I think you said?"

"- Beautiful Green Beast!"

Kisame shuddered. "I may be asking the wrong person for this."

Having belatedly registered the words of his once-opponent, Gai blinked. "You don't want to fight?"

"No. I was just wondering..." Keeping his eyes focused on the other man's own was proving hard. _Exceptionally what?_ "Have you seen Itachi?"

"Uchiha Itachi?"

"Yeah." Kisame nodded. "He said something about having to meet someone. I figured he was going to kill Sasuke, or at least beat him senseless again, but he hasn't come back. If you guys captured him, I have to know. Jailbreak and all."

"You're telling me that you'd break him out?"

"Damn it!" Kisame stamped his foot, scowled. "I'm doing it again!"

"Doing what?"

"We fought the wrong people back in the Wave country and I ended up getting hit with a ninjutsu that makes me randomly turn stupid."

Gai blinked. "You're not stupid?"

Kisame glared in return. "Of course not! The Akatsuki is composed of rogue genius ninjas. Do you think they just keep me around because I'm dead sexy?"

"Are you sure you're geniuses? The purple nail polish is kind of..."

"Hey! Chicks dig purple nail polish!"

The Leaf jounin sighed. "Now, I know you're evil and insane and all, but... We have to have a talk."

"You mean..." Kisame's eyes widened.

"Yes. I am capable of turning you into a lady-killer!"

"But I already am a lady-killer, sometimes."

"Not that kind of lady-killing. Now, if you have nothing against becoming a beautiful specimen of masculinity..."

"No, not at all."

It didn't take quite as long as Gai thought it would. Granted, Kisame's hair decidedly refused to cooperate, not taking the dye and not being long enough to smooth down for a proper bowl cut. However, the new bodysuit fit him... Spectacularly.

"Well?"

Kisame glanced over himself. "I feel... 'leet."

"Elite?"

"Close enough." He shouldered the Samehada and grinned... sharkily. "I am one sexy fish!"

"Bish?"

"That too. But now we party, right? The Akatsuki's Beautiful Blue Beast is here, ready for girls and glory!"

"Wonderful! But first, my beautiful and elite companion-"

"L-three-three-seven. 'Leet."

"Whatever. But first, I must introduce you to the joy and wonder that is NAMBLA!"

Kisame blinked, faltered. "Geh?"

"No Awful Movies Being Left Around!" Gai flashed him the good-guy pose.

"Oh!" The missing-nin relaxed visibly. "For a second you had me thinking that I'd gotten myself into the _wrong_ situation..." He brightened. "But yeah, someone should do something about these movies. I mean, Itachi, for example. He's absolutely freakin' **_obsessed_** with this one-"

His new companion wasn't paying attention. "What situation did you think you'd gotten yourself into?"

Kisame sighed. "Let me explain it to you..."


	59. Abandoning the Obsession

Last crossover. I swear. I think.

* * *

"That was horrible!"

"I thought you killed every Uchiha except for yourself and Sasuke!" Neji panted.

"I thought I did too!"

"Is there _any_ chance you could have missed this many?"

"Not the faintest," Itachi growled. "Especially not ones directly related to me." He straightened, glanced around. "We've got to get out of here before more come back."

Fully unprepared to deal with the onslaught of Itachi's apparent siblings and cousins - all of which were equipped with the Sharingan, and almost all of which intended to kill him – the two searched frantically for cover.

"I have an idea."

Neji stopped scanning the area. Any input from a genius of the Uchiha clan _had_ to be good. Well, maybe? "Pictures?"

"Yeah. I'll turn into this one, and you can turn into this one, and the girls won't know the difference and will leave us alone!"

Neji examined the proffered photo, unable to place the familiar-looking person's features. "Doesn't the Sharingan see through genjutsu?"

"Um... No! Not at all."

"Are those others of Orochimaru and Kabuto?"

"No!" Itachi shoved the remaining photos back into his pocket and glared, thus halting that particular discussion.

"Are you sure about this? I mean, I just got done with being a guy."

"I'm sure. Besides, that guy is very, very pretty –" The Uchiha leered disturbingly before schooling his face back to impassiveness. "And you've already got the hair for it."

"You drew hearts on the picture?"

"I found it like that!"

A high-pitched squeal from nearby put an end to the bickering. Both nodded. _"Transform!"_

When Neji opened what were once again _his_ eyes, Itachi had disappeared. Worse, there was a girl a little ways down the street, staring at him.

_Keep it cool,_ he told himself. _They won't recognize me, and don't have any reason to bother me now that Itachi's gone._

The girl was joined by two others, both of which also stopped and stared. Then three more.

"Orli-chan?" one whispered.

Neji blinked.

"Leg..."

_He didn't._

"Leggy..."

_He couldn't have._ However, Neji now knew exactly where he'd seen the person in the picture.

"_**Legolas!"**_

With that screech, the small pack of girls came tearing down the street after him.

Neji shrieked as he bolted, yelling to the person he was sure was listening. "Itachi, you_ **bastard!**_"

Temari, half-carrying a bruised and battered Shikamaru, was halfway to his home when the person once considered to be the genius of the Hyuuga clan came flying out of a side street, tripped, and collapsed almost at her feet.

"Hyuuga Neji?"

"They're trying to... They think I'm..." Neji gasped out the words, then stared, horrified, at the group that emerged from the street he'd just exited.

"Ohmigawd kawaii bishy Leggy-chan?"

"What'd you do with Legolas-san?"

"Where's Leggy-chan?"

"Orlandooooo?"

Temari scowled. "Who _are_ you guys?"

They blinked in return. "Oh, it's _her._"

"She's just a kunoichi."

"Yeah. She was kinda cool, too." The speaker turned to Temari, smiling brightly. "It's too bad that kunoichi are completely worthless in relation to the boys and all."

The Sand kunoichi slowly set Shikamaru down, then pulled the fan from her back with exaggerated carefulness. "Say that again?"


	60. The Ultimate Technique

Hinata was in a bit of a predicament.

Naruto was finally paying attention to her, and it wasn't nearly as scary as being chased by mysterious super-kunoichi! However, Shino had just shown up looking like walking sex on a stick.

Decisions, decisions.

Plotting didn't come quite as naturally to Hinata as, say, stalking Naruto. But in this case, she might be able to figure something out.

To her side, Naruto shot a glare towards Shino, who made a point of ignoring it. And Hinata suddenly realized that she was good at plotting after all.

"Shino-kun, do you know any . . . poetry?"

●●●

Somewhere along the line, Naruto decided, something had gone horribly wrong.

Hinata'd hugged him. Hinata'd tried to defend him from scary fangirls. And somewhere, somehow, Hinata'd grown boobs.

But as they walked down the street together, it was obvious that Shino had all her attention.

Hinata leaned towards Shino, smiling, as the Aburame continued the recitation of some poem that Naruto had never heard before and really could care less about. Poetry wasn't the problem. Nor was it that Shino had the time to himself to memorize it. Well, that was a bit of a problem, perhaps, but when a guy was crawling with bugs it seemed almost expected.

Naruto was drawn from his private grumbling by Hinata's giggle. "Do you know any more like that, Shino-kun?"

She was _giggling_ over Shino-_kun?_

All right, that was it. The gloves were coming off!

"Hey, hey, Hinata!" Naruto turned, beaming with his best, most innocent smile. "Want to go out for ramen some time?"

There! What girl could resist ramen?

Hinata, apparently. She glanced at him, then back to Shino, who might have looked annoyed behind his collar. "Well," she said, fingers steepling, "I guess at some point that . . . I might be able . . ."

Shino cut her off. "Did I ever mention to you about how high I ranked in our academy classes, Hinata?"

"N-no, but I—"

Trust that sneaky bastard to bring that bit up! "I can even buy the ramen, Hinata!"

Hinata glanced between them, giggled nervously.

Heartened, Naruto decided to press the advantage. "Did I tell you about how I learned how to use the Fourth's technique in a week, Hinata?"

Uh-oh . . . It looked like Shino was pissed. "I don't believe I taught you about my clan's _special_ technique, Hinata."

"Special?" Hinata blinked, frowning slightly. "Wait . . . 'Taught' me about it?"

This couldn't be good at all!

"Well, it's a technique used mostly only by the men of the clan, utilizing the insects that inhabit our bodies to— "

No, it wasn't good! He'd have to start pulling out all the stops!

"Hinata, did I ever tell you about how everyone says that I've got stamina like—"

Too late. Shino had seen the challenge, and had stepped up to trump him. Very few things should be better in life than free ramen and inhuman stamina . . . but the bug-boy may have found one.

"I can vibrate."

Hinata's cheeks flamed scarlet, her hands frantically twisting together. "You can . . . What?"

_What?_

"It's a simple process where I encourage all of my insects to . . ." He trailed off, and Naruto was certain the smug bastard was smirking. "Here." Shino reached out towards the Hyuuga heir with one hand. "Let me show you."

Whoa!

Naruto grabbed Hinata by the shoulders and dragged her out of her teammate's reach in order to play his last card. "But Hinata! Something awful happened this morning! Sasuke tried to have sex with me and— "

She gasped, hands raising to cover her mouth. "Oh, no! That is awful! Ever since that sex ring Itachi tried to have him work in, he's always seemed to be a bit out there . . ."

Naruto's jaw dropped. Shino froze, eyebrows lifting from behind his glasses. "Sasuke was going to work in a sex ring?"

"Didn't you know? Itachi really killed the Uchiha clan because they passed a law cutting back on male prostitution and his source of income would've been decimated."

"Well," Shino mused haltingly, "he certainly . . . has the . . . _demeanor_ for it." For a split second his expression twisted as his hand unconsciously reached for his stomach. "And it's the only thing that could possibly have messed him up any more than he is already."

"Besides sex with Orochimaru," Naruto added.

Hinata blanched. Shino cringed visibly. "I didn't need to think of that."

And with that reaction, Naruto learned the oh-so-satisfying technique of squicking your opponent to death.

"But just imagine, Sasuke can use the Sharingan to copy that super-stretchy tongue technique and then they can both strip naked and paint purple eye shadow all over each other's bodies and lick—"

Shino interrupted him. "If you'll excuse me for a moment, I'm going to be sick."

"Hey, hey, Shino!" Naruto called after his retreating back. "You act like Orochimaru's forty years older than Sasuke or something!"

The other simply hunched his shoulders and hurried for the alleyway a little faster.

Naruto turned to Hinata, concentrating on holding a properly upset expression and hoping his new shotafic no jutsu hadn't affected her too much. It took a few tries to get her attention, but once he did, the words came smoothly. "Like I was saying though, Sasuke tried to have sex with me and it was really awful!"

Hinata blinked dazedly. "That's right, he _is_ almost forty years older . . ."

"But Sasuke decided he liked _me!_ It was so awful that it made me question myself! Hinata, I need your help!"

White eyes finally focused on him, then widened perhaps a _little _too innocently. "Naruto-kun, you know I'd do _anything_ to help you!"

"See, there's really only one way that I can be sure I like girls instead of guys . . ."

By the time Shino came back, they were gone.


	61. Mistranslations

"This can't be good," muttered Shikamaru to Neji.

In front of them, Temari squared off with three confidently smirking girls. Without further ado, each of the three bit down on their respective thumbs and simultaneously dropped to the ground.

"Kuchiyose no jutsu!"

_Poof._

Neji stared.

Shikamaru gaped.

Temari scowled.

The huge white tiger, seated midway between its three summoners, glanced around himself and promptly covered his head with his paws. "Oh, _fuck_ no, not again."

The trio of squeals sounded as if he'd never spoken.

"Go get that blonde meanie, Ookami!"

"Yeah!" The second girl pointed at Temari. "You'd better look out! I personally raised Arimella Necci de Valerian from a lost starving tiger cub, so she listens to everything I say!"

"Aieeee!" screeched the last. "I didn't know the thumb thing was gonna _hurt!"_

"I'm not sure who's in more trouble," Neji muttered back.

"Screw this," grumbled the tiger. "I'm going home." The shrieks of dismay directed at his departing furry hindquarters served only to speed him on.

"Well," grinned Temari, as she hefted her fan. "Let's try something else. _Kamaitachi no jutsu!_"

The blast of wind from her fan was to be expected. The sudden materialization, however, wasn't. Suddenly catapulted towards the three, the eldest remaining Uchiha gave a screech of his own before he hit the ground at their feet.

"Um... What just happened here?" Neji asked.

"Mistranslation," Shikamaru replied.

"How can you mistranslate that?" The Hyuuga scowled and shook his head. "It's two distinct words."

"I know, right?" Shikamaru snorted in return. "Next thing you know we'll have holiday-specific techniques."

Meters away, the girls blinked confusedly as their new adversary struggled to his feet. Then one spoke: "Ohmigawd kawaii bishy Itachi-chan?"

"Oh my god, no," gasped the Uchiha prodigy.

"Aww," snorted Neji. "It looks like he's too shaken up to stare them down! The Akatsuki evil eye can't save you now, Itachi!"

Temari glanced over her shoulder, arching an eyebrow. "The Akatsuki has an evil eye technique?"

"Who else would willingly have one with that sucky a name?"

"Hey!" Itachi yelled to Neji. The missing-nin had only managed to back up a few paces before being landed on. "I didn't mean it earlier! Aren't you going to help me?"

Neji ignored him. "Someone with the bad fashion sense to willingly paint their toenails purple but that still claims to be a badass might think it's a good name."

Temari laughed. "What's left, Itachi? Body glitter? A belly button ring?"

"Actually, he's got that already," Neji muttered under his breath.

"Seems about right," Shikamaru sighed. Then he blinked at his companions' blank looks. "You didn't know? Itachi's _always_ been about that kind of stuff. It's why he killed the Uchiha clan, after all – they found out that he was a weekend transvestite and tried to make him give up his heels and lipstick."

Itachi paused with his struggles for long enough to turn incredulously. "My _what?_" Unfortunately, his opponents took the opportunity given, and he went down under a squealing tangle of arms and legs.

"Whatever works for him," shrugged Temari. Turning away from the spectacle of Itachi's wrestling match, she smiled at the two Leaf-nins. "Let's get out of here. And hey, have any of you seen Ino?"


End file.
